Rule #1

The thing about having #3 so close to having Caroline is that my body hasn't quite bounced back.  For instance, I still have those wispy little bangs from where my hair fell out.  They are now of a more normal length, but that's almost kind of worse because it looks like they are intentional.  Which they are not.  I do not look good with bangs.

The other thing is that now, at exactly 12 weeks, I am already dipping into the maternity clothes.  That pooch that eventually lessens (does it ever go away??) hadn't really gotten all that "less" yet.

When I was pregnant with Jonah, Josh and I went to Edisto Island with the youth group from the church we had attended in Johnson City, TN.  They were helping a small congregation with a building project.  I was 6 months pregnant so I spent my time cooking and shopping (for groceries) and doing other things along those lines.  In the evening all the girls would come back and they would shower, go to the beach and sit around talking.  One of the girls asked me something along the lines of, "Has your body changed much?"

Even at 6 months with my first one I laughed.  I told her that I was pretty sure that my body wouldn't ever be the same again.  And I was okay with it.  My belly was stretching and there were the red lines running down my abdomen to prove it.  My balance was all off, and I got tired very easily.  Someone else had taken up residency in my body, and now I had to share it until they decided to leave.

The funny thing is that I learned more about my body from their presences than I ever would have thought possible.  I carried Jonah high and I carried Caroline low, and either way I was suddenly more aware of everything.  More aware of what I eat and drink and how I stand or sit.  If I slouched I'd get an elbow in the bladder or heartburn.

The loss of my own bodily autonomy (to some extent) has made me more aware of myself physically and emotionally.  My needs and actions are sometimes contrary to their desires and the result can be difficult to deal with at first.  it is the first step to motherhood, though.  It is the first rule, being applied so that you will never forget it.

Rule #1: Your needs and desires will have to come second.

This rule isn't absolute, and it fades away when they get older, but I can still see my mother living this fundamental rule when she drops everything to fly off to North Carolina or Tennessee to help my sisters, or when she spends time with my children so I can work, or when I can see the conflict on her face because she cannot be in two places at once.

When I was pregnant it was easy to get this rule.  Don't drink cokes, it will give you heartburn.  Don't slouch, Jonah will kick you in the side.  Eat regularly.  Learn how to give birth.  Not that complicated.  And then he was born.  Then I find myself sleeping while sitting up in the rocker, or nursing for hours on end, or unable to get up and go to the bathroom when I need to go for any number of reasons.  I was always just out of reach of the thing I needed, and unable to move, lest I wake or disturb my child.  I couldn't sleep more than a few hours at a time.

I did eventually learn to deal with those things- after all, he was a helpless baby.  Now he's three and I find that I am still constrained by him, just in different ways.  We can't just get in the car and go.  He has to buckle his own seatbelt and he has to say the magic words to open or close the car doors... heaven help you if you forget one of his crucial steps.  I imagine it will be something like this until he moves out.  

And it's okay. It's just Rule #1.  Just the first of many changes you make as a mother.

Wednesday- only 12 days to go

I am eagerly counting down the days until Christmas break- probably more eagerly than my students. My Mother has been keeping Monkey, but it's been a rough transition for all of us, anyway. It's hard to leave my baby every morning to go deal with unruly 7th and 8th grade students. It's pretty hard to want to spend any time educating them well when i know it's at the expense of spending time caring for, and getting to know this tiny person.
The worst part about working isn't pumping to feed my child, or having to walk away from him in the morning and try not to cry- it's the nap time in the afternoon. I miss putting him on my chest or on the bed next to me and falling asleep with him.

just showing off

Just for those of you who won't see Jonah anytime soon- there isn't any sound, but I've been experimenting with the video function on our new camera.
Just a little shot of Jonah...

Celebrating one month

When Jonah turned one week old Josh and I celebrated- nothing fancy, just and evening alone with our little tiny baby and a little sparkling cider. what can I say? We're wild.

Jonah turned one month old today. We went to Target and bought him a hat and mittens and a Christmas stocking... and we left him at home.

It's funny because I was looking a the mittens we put on him int he hospital to keep him from scratching his face and they seemed really tiny. When did we think these were big on him? And suddenly he doesn't look quite like an old man anymore. He's all round and roly-poly. He likes to stare at himself in the mirror and hates having his feet covered and has a cute little way of smiling at you when he's asleep that makes you think that maybe he knows that he's got us wrapped around his itty-bitty fingers.

Giving birth was a really surreal experience, and maybe it's just the sleep deprivation, but the last month seems just as surreal. I'm listening to my husband talk to Jonah on the baby monitor at the moment and I never thought Josh would ever talk like that. It's a side of him that I've never expected. He's amazingly gentle and sweet. He's peeking in on Monkey every two or three minutes to try to get him to go to sleep. Both my boys are so cute!

I also never expected to be this insane about anything. I worry constantly about the silliest things. I'm way more emotional than I was even in middle school . I am getting (at best) 6 hours of sleep a day and always tired- but happier than I've been in a very long time. It's a different kind of happiness.

If this is how the first month is, I'm wondering what else lay in store?

Gratuitous cuteness

Okay- I have no point in posting at all- just wanted to share some photos of Monkey awake and clean- mostly.

Big beds, French's mustard and the power of Oxyclean

Last night my tiny little baby slept in his crib. The crib is huge, comparatively. But he took it well. No more sleeping at the end of Mommy and Daddy's bed so that every whimper and strange gurgle wakes them up and throws them to the end of their bed to peek into the bassinet. Now they listen silently to the monitor (turned up WAY to loud) for some sign that Jonah is in need of something- anything- or that he might cry. Three and a half weeks is still very small, though he is plumping up quite a bit.

It's amazing that someone so small can poop so much. The really amazing thing is that all of Jonah's poop looks exactly like French's mustard- you know, the squat little bottle with the red flag on it? Also unsurprisingly, it is pretty difficult to get the stuff out. Shout is no match for my baby's poop. But it's amazing how Jonah can surprise me even now.

This morning I was trying to change his diaper and in the three seconds between the time that I slipped his old diaper out from under him and the new one back under him he pooped all over the changing table. Yellow mustard everywhere. So I took off the cover and tried to cover him up (to prevent a fountain) while I got the nasty cover into the dirty clothes. Then I took his onesie off of him- the back looked like he had been slathered in mustard.

As soon as I got the onesie into the laundry bag I found myself watching as he peed on a small stuffed dog that has been perched on the edge of his changing table for a week or more now, without any other incidents. Appropriately he was peeing right on it's crotch. I was so (shocked? appalled? defeated?) that I waited until he was done and then cleaned up, and put the last disposable diaper on him.

Laura made a bunch of cloth diapers that she is lending s for the time being. We've been using the many disposables that we were given, or the preemie diapers that we had to buy because the cloth ones were still too big. But here we are approaching the end of those excuses and about to embark on the interesting trip of cloth. So how am I going to ever get all the mustard out of Laura's beautiful cloth diapers?

That's what I was wondering. I ran the one that we had used through the wash twice to get the poop out and I was thinking that it was not possible for me to wash everything twice. And then I remembered what a friend once told us long before we even thought about kids.
"Oxyclean will clean everything- make it your friend when you have children because you'll need it." and so I have.

In the words of a beautiful musical "It got the mustard out!"

Jonah

So, there was a lot of turmoil caused by naming my child. Josh and I had picked a name years ago- just after we got married- and it seemed fine until I was actually pregnant. Suddenly the name Noah annoyed me and I couldn't seem to get the itch out. So about the time we decided to change our OBGYN I decided we had to change the name. This caused a few issues since someone had already told Haydn (my 4 YO niece) that we would be having baby Noah. but we got that straightened out eventually.

So why Jonah?

Well, the most honest answer is that I like the sound of it. It's not a name I've heard a million times and it has a good story behind it. I guess that's the simple answer.

Also, it's got a great connection to a pivotal point in the Hero's Journey. There is a time that the hero finds himself in the belly of the whale (get the Jonah connection?) which is a time when the hero is secluded and must confront his subconscious self. It is this point in the journey that the hero is prepared for the important task ahead of him. It is a time of complete rebirth, both mentally and in some ways physically.

I guess my hope is that Jonah will be the kind of person who can do great things because he is prepared for them. A pretty big task for Josh and me.

Josh and I have decided to make changes in our lives- a shift in priorities- to make Jonah and whatever brothers or sisters he might have in the future the focus. I'll explain all that more later. In the mean time we just accept that we've been entrusted with the most perfect little gift. I'm not sure how you are supposed to look at a child that you've given birth to and want anything less than the most healthy, loving, choices for them. It makes me very glad that I made the birth choices that I made. He came into this world as naturally as possible and I am hoping that we can continue to give him all the good things that God put on this earth, and teach him to be the kind of person that God would have him to be.

Boo!

So, I have never been one of those weirdos who get a kick out of dressing their dogs up for Halloween, but I am getting the biggest kick out of this hat on my baby. We're getting into the Halloween spirit here. Maybe we'll even get some candy to hand out tonight.

Monkey Baby has a tendency to sleep in a sprawl when in his Moses Basket- which is about all day long. He could care less what is going on in the world around him, just so long as he is comfy and we wake him up every 2 to 3 hours to eat. Actually he doesn't wake up to eat, so we have to try to remember to do that.

Josh's parents got here yesterday and met Jonah. Here he is with his Papa Jack.
Josh and his Dad are doing a few things around the house that we've been meaning to fix up and repair. Carole and I are hanging out with Jonah- who is sadly not all that interesting during the day time. At night, on the other hand, Jonah likes to party- much to the chagrin of his parents. Last night we actually got some sleep, though. We did stay up until after midnight, but Jonah must have gotten worn out early because he only got up to eat after that.

Well, not much is going on other than all that...

The perfect baby- yes, I am claiming it!

Josh and I have been at home with Jonah for four days now. We haven't really gone anywhere except the doctor's office, and Josh had to wrap up some work stuff yesterday morning. Otherwise it's been mostly us with a few visits from family.

We gave him his first bath today and he didn't like it at all. They wanted to bathe him at the hospital and told us that none of the staff would not be able to touch him without gloves unless we let them (is this really a draw-back? We've heard so many horror stories about staph infections from hospitals that it seemed like a good thing to me) but we wanted to give him his first bath- and we did.

It's hard to do anything but stare at him. I'm not one of those people who can look at a baby and see who they look like very easily. Josh and I both had full heads of hair when we were born, so I really can't tell which of us he looks like. In his ultrasound pictures he mostly looked like my mother-in-law to me, but now he just looks like Jonah. Except for the hair I don't think he looks much like me.

I know Josh posted that I was only checked into the hospital for 19 minutes before he was born, but honestly it wasn't all that simple. I was in labor for 7 hours- mostly at home in the bathtub- with Jonah. He was 8 days late (according the the doctors and midwives) but when he decided to come, he came fast and furious. I went to Haydn's birthday party in the morning and was having contractions about every 15 to 20 minutes. We left at 12:30 and came home because it was hard to hide how I was feeling and because it was also hard to time contractions and be social at the same time. An hour after we got home the contractions were 4 1/2 minutes apart and we called the midwife. She told us that it was likely that the baby might not come until Sunday and we ought to just get comfortable. That made us nervous so we called Angela, our Bradley Method teacher who is also a Doula, and she told us the same thing. So I hung out in the bathtub, Josh paid the bills right next to me and Tara watched 7 Years in Tibet. However, an hour later the contractions were 2 1/2 minutes apart and it was easier for me to ignore everyone and just breathe. It took a lot of effort to just breathe and I realized that if I wasn't making noise I would hold my breath. Josh says I was moaning but really I was just doing the only thing I could think of to remember to breathe.
So we called the midwife again and she said that she still thought it might be too soon (HA!) but we could come in and they would take a look. We called Angela and she said the same thing.
I got dressed (didn't dry off well) and we got in the car. Tara drove and Josh sat in the back and let me curl up a ball in the back with my head in his lap. I had been teasing Josh that I didn't want him to drive because he drives like a maniac, but really, I think I would have died if i was alone in the back seat- I really was moaning by that time because the entire 20 minute drive to the hospital was one long contraction.
We went in the emergency room and that was a mistake. They sat me in a wheelchair (no woman in that stage of labor wants to be sitting on her rear-end!) and it took them at least 10 minutes to get someone to wheel me upstairs. I seriously considered walking, but I didn't know where the elevator was. When we got to the elevator I told Josh and the nurse that I felt like I needed to push. The nurse advised me not to (duh!) and we finally got upstairs. I changed into a gown and then the midwife came in. Most of the rest is kind of a blur except for a few fuzzy moments. Tara has a great post that is a little better detailed. I do remember him slipping back while I was resting between pushes and panicking a bit- I think I said something like, "He went back in!" which apparently made Tara want to laugh, but she refrained. She could have laughed because I wouldn't have really noticed.

I love the picture to the right because I think it sort of sums up the whole experience for me. It's the first clear-headed moment I can look at. I was totally exhausted but I didn't really care. I was also mesmerized because as much as this perfect little being had kicked me in the side and given me heartburn and responded when I had the occasional caffeine, I still didn't really have a concept of this new person that I was getting to meet.

A few little things I've learned over the last few days:

• When he's mad, Jonah pumps his right fist up and down in the air.
  
• Jonah poots- a lot! (also poops, but the gas makes me laugh)
  
• He's also got a lot of really thick dark hair.
  
• He's very tiny- only one package of the 0-3 month onesies that we have actually fit him. All the other clothes are way too big. Also, because he is so skinny, he sort of loks like a little elf when he is wearing a hat.
  
• Josh is just about the best father in the whole world. He's very concerned about every little thing- is he too cold? does he need his gloves on? is the light in his eyes? is he breathing?
  

Anyway- here are some more gratuitous pictures of my perfect baby.

Introducing....Jonah Andrew Watson

Well, 19 minutes after getting to the hospital, Chara gave birth to a perfect 6 lb 15 oz 20 inch boy. All are doing fine. Here are some pics.

WIth bated breath... I'm now a little blue in the face.

So a while back I posted about my milk's expiration date and how I might have a child before it expired...

Gush, Gush... blah blah blah!

We're now a gallon and a half past that particular jug.

I've been drinking the tea and bouncing on the ball and walking and doing everything they tell you to try to do to kickstart your labor (except the castor oil- that's been one very reliable thing that I won't be trying unless I get truly desperate since it has a tendency to dehydrate you and cause lots of vomiting and diarrhea) with really no response from Jonah.

We have an appointment this afternoon with the midwife for a non-stress test. Ha! Non-stress? Yeah, because taking off of work two weeks early, having my sub quit and still having no signs that Jonah will be here before Thanksgiving is sure to be a relaxing venture.

Oh, wait, they mean non-stress for Jonah... Well, if I were swimming in a warm comfortable place with all of my personal needs provided for, I'd probably be much less stressed. :)

On the up-side:
Next Thursday is a full moon- perhaps that might yeild a result? I'm thinking of sleeping outdoors if I need to.

Chara

Post #250

This is my 250th post and my due date. Are either of them really significant events? Well, yes and no. It is interesting to take note of a mile marker, but not necessarily the mark of the end or beginning of anything. You don't stop driving on a trip simply because you hit a mile marker that seems like you've been far enough- nor do you consider yourself very accomplished simply because you have reached a large number. I'm not sure that I have reached 250 significant, intelligent posts- or even 250 interesting posts. However, it is nice to look back and note that my posts have become more thoughtful and the random found poetry has become rather infrequent. More often it is my own thoughts (useless as some of them may be) and my own journey that is being recorded here.

I do have to wonder if there is a company that would print and bind all of a blog's posts, including pictures, for a reasonable fee. I have a feeling that there is not. Also, what would you consider your "last" post? It's like binding a journal or diary I suppose.

On the other topic, I'm noticing a few physical changes which I won't get into for the sake of the weirdness factor, but nothing that points to imminent labor. I've reread both of the books on the Bradley Method that I have. So far I'm not really noticing anything I've forgotten to do to prepare. I've been practicing my relaxation and trying to stretch. My bag is packed (probably needs to be repacked) and there is a car seat in the back of my car. All I'm missing now is Jonah.

However, I'm not in a hurry- okay, maybe a little last night, but for the most part I'm enjoying this time off of work and in my house. I'm getting a lot of things cleaned out and straightened up-- including my own head. There is a lot of change in store for us here in the Watson house in the next few months and I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time.

Besides, I'm feeling some anxiety about giving birth. I know that God made my body to do this and that my baby is very healthy and normal. (Up until the last appointment with my midwife I was right on every single "normal" size and growth marker.) However, the actual process of giving birth still seems like a very daunting task. Our Bradley class was great at preparing us for the process and reminding us what was normal and what was medically proven (versus what is medically recommended, sometimes for legal reasons) as well as what is helpful during the actual process. I think that the need for privacy and control of the environment to facilitate internal control of relaxation is the one thing that I'm the most nervous about at this point. When I am not feeling my best, I don't normally invite a bunch of people over just to visit, but it seems like everyone wants to know as soon as you go into labor so they can come to the hospital. I'm not really talking about family- mostly just overenthusiastic friends.

Anyway.

Can you tell I have a mostly one-track mind right now?

On other topics...

A movie preview I recently saw that I think I'd like to see:


Also, a neat recipe from Shelteriffic on Chicken and Pear Turnovers. I'd like to try it, but I don't really feel like getting my kitchen dirty. Maybe someone would try it out and let me know how it goes?

That's all I've got for now. I'll let you all know if anything changes.

Almost ready

As I told Josh last night, I have a horrible tendency to forget that I've put things in the oven and then they burn, or I get over-anxious and take them out much too early, so I'm not one who should be in charge of deciding when something is done baking and when it is not done baking. Jonah (Andrew- sorry Sara! I just realized I forgot to respond!) is in charge of when his little buns will come out of the oven.

So in the mean time I've been busy. And just to prove it, I've decided to post some pictures! Yes, actual photos of something!

First, our new furniture before it's new arrangement:
Uh... kinda messy.

After my Mom comes over, we clean the carpet and rearrange the furniture...
Much better!

Also we put the swing together... mostly. There was some confusion over the mobile that goes over the top, but Josh somehow fixed it later that evening.

And of course the nursery, all clean. Sorry, no before shots... just imagine bags and baby laundry and packaging everywhere.

Last but not least- though perhaps least impressive, is the redo of the den. We've lived here since May and it's been full of boxes and absolutely unusable since. I can't take credit- it was all Josh. I woke up one morning and was pretty certain someone had broken in and stolen our boxes, or cleaned our house. Believe it or not- this is great! WE even lit a fire in our second fireplace!

The stuff in rolls on the right side is the carpet we haven't installed int he back two bedrooms yet. We'll get there, but probably not for a little while. We've got a few other things to do before we can be worried about spotty carpet.

:)

Busy Waiting

To any male family members about to read this- I figured I probably ought to have a disclaimer. Words such as "Hoo-Hoo" will be used during this post. Read at your own risk.
:)

Well, for those of you who find this interesting or significant, this would be post 248 for me. I'm thinking Jonah must think this is significant. Perhaps he is waiting to be post 250 and he knows just how infrequently I have been posting lately.

But I have been keeping busy. I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday. My due date is her wedding day, so obviously she won't be around when I give birth, but I've been meeting all the other midwives who could possibly be there and so far they've all been super-nice and very informative. (Who knew that I had an anterior placenta? That just means it's attached to the front of my uterus.)
I also found out that Jonah is apparently somewhat small for his gestational age- though not anything to freak out about. So, if I'm still pregnant for my next appointment next Tuesday, they want me to have an ultrasound just to be sure everything is normal. Hopefully that will be unnecessary. By then i am hoping that they can just take a look at him and see what I already know- his whole family is full of teeny girls and shorty men (sorry Josh) and he's likely just right. Besides, as the midwife I met yesterday (Emma) said, "If you plan to have them come out your hoo-hoo, it's not bad for them to be a bit smaller."

So what else have I been doing? Well, I'm so glad you asked!

Yesterday my mother (Have you met her? She's the one with the inconspicuous little halo floating over her head.) came over and brought her carpet cleaner and cleaned the carpet in my bedroom and living room, hung some blinds in the dining room, rearranged the furniture in my living room and assembled an infant swing. When I say we I mostly mean 'she' did those things. I'm not really supposed to move furniture.

We (I mean it this time) also cleaned up the nursery and made a short list of the things I still need and I made pumpkin bread. I was pretty pooped by 5 o'clock when I finally let her leave. Yesterday was also my Dad's birthday so I'm pretty sure she was headed home to take him to dinner. He had to teach classes last night so at least she got to go to bed early.

What will I do today? I don't really know. I will probably clean the kitchen and work on the guest bedroom that still needs some work. Jack and Carole will be coming into town to stay a few days starting tomorrow, so that's sort of a priority.

I also need to find a new plug to go in my excercize ball. When we moved I deflated the ball and lost the plug... and the spare plug. Where do you buy a new plug? I don't know because I've had a pretty rough time finding one so far.

Who knows what else I'll do today, but I don't think it will involve giving birth just yet.

Maternity Leave

I like being pregnant- it's neat to feel another life moving around inside you, and being able to ask him politely to stop stepping on your bladder. I also like waking up in the middle of the night to find that he's awake, even though I have been sleeping for hours. I wonder what he's doing and thinking in there. I even like being able to tell that I'm getting heartburn because he's stretching upward and squishing my diaphragm. There's just not as much room as there used to be in there.

What I don't like is the constant question... You're still here? (Where would I go?) You haven't gone into labor yet? (Obviously not) So, when are they going to induce you? (They won't.)

I'm not due until Friday, but I'm already getting a lot of these questions. Partly it is from people who know a friend of mine who was due two days before me and gave birth two and a half weeks early. Pam and Ben will probably be at church next week.

I wouldn't mind going into labor. Waiting isn't the easiest thing to do. However, I still have things I need to take care of here- like putting together the crib- and also, the idea of giving birth is still a little scary to me. I've been rereading all the childbirth books and listening to my guided imagery CD. I even made myself a guided imagery CD for childbirth. Mostly it's just stuff to do, though.

So I thought I might share where we are in some respects:

• I've been cleaning the house a lot... not that it really feels all that much cleaner yet. Josh has gone through a ton of boxes and our den actually looks like a room one might spend some sort of time in doing things other than pulling out one's hair.
  And- NO- me cleaning a lot does not mean I'm about to go into labor... being 39 1/2 weeks pregnant does.
  

• We had a nice fire in the fireplace last night and I nearly passed out.

• I cleaned out my closet of clothing I will not be wearing anymore. It's still full of the maternity stuff, but at least it's not in a pile on the floor anymore.
  

• I am making pumpkin bread tonight to take to the hospital to sweeten up the nurses a bit- and for me to eat. I love pumpkin bread.
  

• I intended to order photos from Starla today (probably an e-mail and a check in the mail) but that didn't happen because of the other thing I intended to do: order more checks. I went to two branches before I realized that it's Columbus Day and all banks are closed. I guess I'll leave that for tomorrow.

• Also on the agenda for tomorrow- a nap. I got one today, but I think I'll make it a habit as long as I can. :)

Milk

I bought milk today. The expiration date is 10 days from now.

I could have a child before the milk in my fridge goes bad.

Weird.

Birth Choices

It's funny because, until I got pregnant, I thought I would do things a certain way. I'm a big baby about a lot of medical things (I cannot stand the sight of my own blood) but when I started reading about childbirth and all the options you have, I realized something about myself. I'm not just a baby about a lot of medical things- I just don't really trust medicine to make decisions for me. I don't want to just hand control over to a doctor and trust that everything will be done in my best interest. I don't like being out of control, and if I'm going to be in a position where I won't be in control, I'm very picky about who I trust to take care of things.

So I'm having a natural childbirth. I'm educated, well-read on this subject and Josh and I made a choice based on the things we found to be reliable and sound in research.

Why is it that this offends some people? I was recently at a church gathering and sitting at a table with about 8 or 10 other people that I didn't know very well and when I was asked about plans I admitted that Josh and I wanted a natural childbirth. The obligatory horror stories came from a woman or two but one of the women present seemed to think this was some sort of judgement on her own choice to embrace the needle. I explained that I have a thing about needles and I think it would be more distracting and difficult with it (never mind that the epidural isn't the healthiest choice for my baby) and she proceeded to try to convince me that it wasn't that bad- that my gut instincts were not something I should listen to. It reminded me of the doctor I left two months ago.

I have no problem with other people using drugs- my mother used drugs- and if the need should arise, I will use them. However, I think I define "need" a bit differently than other people. I don't want to be drugged just because there is pain. God made pain for a reason- and feeling it isn't a bad thing if you are willing and able to deal with it. I believe that I am.

So- just to shock the pants off of anyone else out there who is reading this:
I'm breastfeeding exclusively.
We're going to be using cloth diapers for at least the first six months or so. (check out reason number 3 on the link)
I will not be inducing labor, except by ahem natural means :)
and
My main form of pain management will be massage and guided imagery.

(By the way, I've enrolled in a study with the head nurse midwife at Vanderbilt (it's for her doctorate) on guided imagery and the effect that it will have on the third stage of labor. There is a little more medical intervention in the third stage (some internal monitoring) but I think it would be good for the medical world to have more medical support for the mind's ability to heal the body.)

I guess the funny part of all this (to me anyway) is that I hate to lose control, but I'm giving a LOT of control over to God on this one. It's taking a lot of trust on my part to even have this child. The whole idea of giving birth seems so insanely out of control.

************************************************************************************

Just a side note- Mom101 had a great post the other day about children and their behavior in public places. It really boiled down to a respect for families... wow I'm not explaining it well. I just thought it was brilliant. Check it out!

Introducing.... um... but not yet!

So, Josh and I took a page from Laura and John's book(... or... um... blog?) and had Starla Steward do some maternity photos for us. We had a lot of fun getting to see Starla and she made us incredibly comfortable.

Check out the photos on Flickr... and you'll also find out what we'll be calling lump.

37 1/2 weeks... 2 1/2 to go

The last few weeks have been crazy busy- and this one looks like it will be the same. We have a 7:45 faculty meeting on Wednesday, an open house on Thursday and at some point Josh and I will be going to the gospel meeting at Concord Rd. Also, I've got to get my lesson plans finished for my maternity leave- and find a sub since I'm not really getting a response from the ones I've tried to contact. Grr!
That's just work... there's also the issue of the crib we don't own yet.

People ask me how I feel and I don't know what to say. I feel like a whale... I feel tired... I feel amazed at all the sensations I'm getting from him since he's getting so big.

This isn't a place that I thought I would ever reach. I can look back through all my blog posts over the last few years and see all the times I've complained about all the change in my life- all the uncertainty and the lack of stability- and I have to laugh. There are times where a lack of stability and major changes are really quite welcome, no matter how unplanned they are.

Chara

It's not you. It's me- really!

I am currently 30 weeks along in my pregnancy. I've sort of hit the point where I'm shocked to realize that this is actually going to end... soon. 10 more weeks of feeling like a beached whale when I try to get out of bed, or of feeling like I've got to pee worse than anything in the world, only to be rather disappointed with yet another unsatisfying experience.

I've put it off, really. I've been lying to myself for quite some time. But recently I met a really nice teacher at a week-long workshop who encouraged me to tell the truth. Plus there was this very interesting Mom-101 post not long ago that made me realize that the truth was actually long overdue.

I'm not very excited about my doctor. In fact, almost every time I've been to the office I feel like I'm being "processed", instead of "taken care of". For about two or three weeks I've been telling Josh that maybe I should change practitioners. Maybe I should switch to Vanderbilt's Midwife office. But I didn't.

I guess part of it is that I'm one of those girls who doesn't want to displease anyone. This is the point where I say that my doctor is really a nice person and it's not personal, it's just that I'm looking for a different kind of care. She's not my type.

Want to know what knocked it over the edge for me? No- she didn't tell me that her Cesarean rate was 45%. No- she didn't casually mention her love of strapping mothers to a birthing table, on their backs so she could sedate them better. No- she didn't even tell me that she thought natural childbirth was for crazies....

She told me I would have to have an IV or a Heparin Line.

Now, I could go into all the reasons that my very open-minded childbirth books have given why IV's are bad and why heparin lines are even completely unnecessary, or why extra procedures in childbirth are really more for the doctors than the mothers... but I'd be smoke screening my true feelings and I'm telling the truth for once. I hate needles of any kind.

I'm sure this comes as a shock to many of you. I gave blood once. It was after 9-11 and I felt sort of obligated, so I got my Family and Marraige Therapy teacher from Freed to go with me. He was very kind and talked me through the whole thing. It lasted about 20 minutes and they gave me cookies when I was done. I don't think there is anything you could bribe me with to get me to spend hours (because childbirth isn't short) with an IV or Heparin line stuck in my arm or (shudder!) hand.

It's not just needles. I don't really like taking medicine, or going to the doctor for any reason- so it should probably not come as a surprise to anyone that I am pretty scared of giving birth. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has ever been uncertain and a little frightened of the unknown and daunting task of actually birthing a child. There are so many possible complications and scary stories. Why does everyone insist on telling you their terrifying birth stories when they find out you're pregnant???

So to remedy my fear- or at least attempt to logically argue with the fear and assert some measure of control, I've been reading. Reading everything I can get my hands on and taking classes in natural childbirth with my husband who has (also no surprise) been overwhelmingly supportive. He even gave me a massage the other night.

But then there's this doctor thing. I don't want to feel like I'm stepping onto the conveyor belt at the maternity ward door. A factory approach isn't the answer to everything. I want to feel like I have someone who understands my need to control my own fear and my own body so I can do this without completely freaking out. So far I think I may have spent the grand total of 45 minutes with my doctor.

So I called an cancelled my next appointment with her. I've got an appointment scheduled to see a midwife in two weeks (actually before the next appointment I would have had with my OB anyway) and I've got to send a request, in writing to have my records sent to the midwife.

Who knew I'd be requested to break up with her in a letter?

Chara