Mommy Resources

Mommy Rule #7: Have good resources and stay one step ahead of your children.

I'm coming right out with this one.

Resources you should always have on hand:
    Kleenex
    A good babysitter
    A snack
    A book or small toy they haven't seen in a while
    A plastic bag (preferably a quart sized ziplock freezer bag)
    A sense of humor
    A change of clothing, for both of you
    Hugs and kisses
    A small reserve of patience beyond your normal supply(for emergencies)
    A song to sing together
    A lullabye
    Band-aids
    Wipes
    Two more diapers than you think you will need
    A sense of humor
    A small package of M & M's
    Your favorite tea
    The book you are trying to read (who knows when you might find yourself with a spare minute?)
    Hand sanitizer
    A toothbrush and toothpaste
    A lightweight blanket that can make a suitable nursing cover and keep a child warm
    A Timer
    A sense of humor
    Fingernail clippers
    Extra nursing pads
    A hair tie
    A comb
    Lotion
    Deodorant
    A couple dollars in change (who knows!)
    A sippy cup
    A sense of humor


This is, by no means, an exhaustive list.  However, life can come at you head on or just plain rear-end you.  Be prepared for any eventuality if you can.

But you can't.  It's the truth, and you'll be happier when you accept it.  Eventually you will leave the house and SOMETHING will happen that you don't expect and can't plan for.  You'll end up leaving church to buy your child a while new outfit at Target (a friend of mine actually had to do that) or changing a dirty diaper in a changing room floor using a receiving blanket as a diaper or something else completely crazy.  Children will turn your life upside down, and you can't always prepare for it.  Have a sense of humor and laugh about it in the moment, if you can.  If not, laugh later.  In any case, be flexible and just get on with it.

Rule #8: Have a sense of humor.

Rule #6

Yesterday, I was able to weed some beds and plant some flowers.  I love Lantana because it attracts Hummingbirds, and it grows really well on my front patio.  I put in six plants and put down grass seed on a bare spot in our front yard.  By the time I did all that I was pretty sweaty and gross, so I took a shower before I went to get my older two.  While I was getting dressed, I realized that I felt better than I had felt in a while.  I had energy and something about the way I felt made me feel more positive about things than I'd felt in a while.  SO I called Josh and let him know that I wanted to go run. It generally takes me about an hour to get up to the school and run three miles. Since I want to do a 5K later in the summer, I figured I should start running now so I'll be in good shape by then.

I'm not particularly fast, but I feel good when I run.  I feel good when I've exerted myself enough to get sweaty and tired.  Today my arms and legs are sore from the work I did yesterday, but the positive outlook and the good feeling has lasted.  For a while I've felt a bit like I'm getting burned out on being at home with my kids.  It makes me impatient and crabby with my children.  I'm not fun to be around.  I don't want my kids to feel like I'm always mad at them, but I know they must feel that way when I feel this way.

Rule #6: Find the thing that makes you a good Mom, and make the time to indulge in it.

I can't run unless Josh watches the kids, which is hard on him.  He's been at work all day and the kids can be tired and difficult in the evening.  That is enough to make me feel guilty and stay home, but I know the truth.  I'm a better Mother when I've been running.  I'm a better person.  I like myself more and I'm healthier.  My mind isn't as cluttered and I have exponentially more patience.  I'm happier and calmer.  All it costs me to be more myself is a few hours a week of time.  Those few hours are the difference between me being impatient and losing my temper, and me being able to step back and give my children a little more grace.

Maybe you don't run.  Maybe you paint or write, or need time alone to do some once-a-month cooking.  Whatever it is, the small investment of time- with or without your children- will repay itself in full.

Rule #5

I had just about had it yesterday.  I was ready to pull all my hair out, or sell Jonah to the circus and use the money to move to Australia, or maybe even lose my temper in a way that I might just regret.  It seems that I couldn't turn my back on Jonah or Caroline for a single second without one of them attacking the other, or dragging out everything in my bathroom cabinets.  They couldn't play near each other, and Caroline wasn't allowed to even look at any of Jonah's toys without eliciting an ear piercing screech that might just have deafened our dog.

I was worn out.  I had almost nothing left hold onto my last shred of patience with either of them.  I was praying to God for 11 am (yes, it was that bad) so my mother would come and watch the kids so I could go teach class.

When I got back from school Caroline was asleep and Jonah was occupied, so I called Amy.  I met Amy in college, but we weren't all that close.  It's just been in the last few years that we've gotten to know each other better through facebook and blogs that I've started to realize that I should have befriended her a long time ago.

Amy has four daughters between 7 years and under 1 year, so I knew that she had to deal with this herself.  I laid it out and we chatted about half an hour before Caroline woke up and I had to go.  She did give me some good advice, but mostly she just listened and commiserated and encouraged me.

Rule #5: Ask for help.

You will not believe how much better yesterday afternoon went.  The kids played nicely and no one came whining to me while I tried to make dinner.  Do I think that there was magic involved?  Possibly, but the magic had to be on me, and not on the kids.  That part all goes back to Rule #3: Set the tone.  The reality is that I needed some help.  I didn't necessarily need a break from the kids, I just needed to be refocused and encouraged.  Maybe some other time I will need a break, or maybe I'll need someone to do something more serious, like come do laundry after Baby X comes in January.  You need different things at different times, but often, what you really need is to get a little help.

Rule #4

I completely stink at getting up early.  Partly this is because I am a closet night owl.  I like the time after dark when I can sit and ruminate over the things that have occurred for the day and try to make some of them make sense.  I like my time alone when the kids are sleeping.

But all of the books on being a good Mother, and being an organized Mom say things like, get up before everyone else.  Well... I've tried.  I'm not very good at it.  It requires me to go to bed early, and then it requires me to tip-toe around our tiny house trying to accomplish tasks (while I'm not very awake) without waking the kids.  I understand their point.  Maybe if our house were larger and I didn't feel so much pressure to be completely silent, it would work better.  As it is, the kid's room is right off the kitchen, which means I can't empty the dishwasher, or start breakfast, or do a load of laundry without making noise.

My Mother has suggested that I lay out clothes and things the night before, so it's all ready to go.  You know what?  This generally works better for me.  I can set out breakfast bowls and spoons and clothes and cereal without waking the kids up.  In the morning I don't feel like I'm rushed and I don't have a long list of junk to do.  I can lay in bed for a few minutes and enjoy the feeling.

Rule #4: Listen to everyone's advice and then do what works best for you.

Every family, house, parent, and child is different and because they are all different and they all interact in different ways, no one can claim to have the perfect answer for everyone.  Someone surely has the answer for you, but even if 90% of the "experts"/busybodies/little old ladies/friends all say the same thing, it still won't work all that well for 10% of us.

It's okay to ignore someone's advice.  There will be times when you are given unsolicited, pushy advice. Listen politely and ignore it.  If you have to push back... well that's another post.  Suffice it to say that some things will work for you, and some things won't.  It's okay to go your own way.

Rule #3

It never fails.  Today is one of those days when I could crawl back into bed and go to sleep without a problem.  Not to mention that I'm short tempered because my mind is elsewhere.  There are things I didn't get to finish yesterday that are staring me in the face and I am dreading having to deal with them while also dealing with two small, bored children.

It never fails.  On any day that I feel like this, my children will be equally distemped and irritable.  The bo9y wants to wrestle the girl.  She wants to be held.  We don't have what either of them wants for breakfast.  Lots of whining ensues... some of it from me.

I take them outside because our house is small and they seem to be right on top of one another.  We have an acre and the boy still follows his sister around the yard, trying to tell her what to do and taking things away from her.  I hear him yelling, "Caroline Andrew!  Come here right now!"  and I hear my own voice.  I have no patience today, and neither does he.

Rule #3: Your children will follow your cues.  You set the tone.

Yes, they will have the odd day when they will just be out of sorts, but for the most part, they will mimic what they see and hear from you.  We all know this.  Who among us hasn't heard something come out oft heir mouth and we are instant able to identify the source immediately.  There are some that are especially cringe-worthy.  We hear the exhaustion, impatience, unkindnesses... but we may also hear the love, appreciation and kindness.

When my son is out of control, it upsets me.  He's almost four, which means there are a lot of things that he want to do that he simply can't do.  There are so many things he has no control over.  It is infinitely frustrating to be four.  I have to be cautious that my own frustration, my own lack of control doesn't overwhelm me and spill over into my children.  It's so easy to become that evil stepmother, given over to my own jealousy, anger, and hatred.  Without compassion, there is no ability to temper that whirlwind in my own heart, much less the whirlwind in his.

Rule #2

When Jonah was about 15 months old I weaned him.  It wasn't voluntary for either of us, but the truth is that he couldn't keep dairy products down and that made it impossible to nurse him.  This was all due to a horrible virus that I managed to pick up about five days after he got sick.  Mine was much worse.  I didn't eat at all for at least three days and even after that I was pretty hesitant to eat anything that I might not want to ever see again.

The result... a doctor's visit.  He was given an antibiotic, which he turned out to be allergic to.  So we went in again.  This time we couldn't get in to see our regular pediatrician so we saw a new doctor who weighed Jonah and started to make dissatisfied noises about his weight gain.  He hadn't gained any weight at all.  This was actually just before his 18 month check-up (the sick seemed to drag on a while) and so she started making noises about seeing a specialist and testing him for all sorts of things.

The thing is, I knew that he was just fine.  He had been sick and lost some weight, but he was active and happy and he ate well.  My gut was telling me that he didn't need to be put through the blood draws and urine samples and whatever else they wanted to subject him to.  I didn't have charts or graphs or studies or statistics, but I knew that he was just fine.

I told the pediatrician that I would talk to my regular ped about it.

My twin sister reminded me that she was doing the right thing.  It was her job to be concerned about his lack of weight gain.  It was a good thing.  But part of me was a little angry.  I was annoyed that this woman, who did not know me, or my child, would not trust me when I told her that I didn't think there was anything wrong with my child.

About a week later I saw our regular pediatrician and she looked at the chart and the note that her colleague had written and said that she thought it was probably unnecessary to test him.  He came from small parents and had always been at the lower end of the weight spectrum... and I wasn't concerned.  She said that she would test him if I felt it was necessary, but she thought we should just watch it for a while and if he didn't gain anything over the next 6 months we might revisit the topic.

Rule #2: Always listen to your gut.

I could have freaked out and put my child through all sorts of tests just to accommodate this doctor, but I didn't.  I can't tell you how affirming it was to have our regular pediatrician listen to whether I felt that there might be a problem rather than just look at the growth charts.

It can be so confusing to be a mother.  Do you vaccinate?  Do you have natural childbirth?  Do you supplement?  Do you co-sleep?  Do you let them cry it out?  You can read every study, every recommendation from every specialist, or expert and still feel overwhelmed and unsure.  None of them agree, and if you aren't doing it someone else's way, you are doing it wrong.  You'll probably screw them up.  It's always the mother's fault.

If we will eventually be blamed anyway, we might as well be as informed as possible, but let our gut make the final decision.  In the end, it only really matters if you did your best.  If you were true to what you know, and what you believe, you will be doing your best.  It's not about making decisions from a place of fear or anger.  It's about making your choices as a parent from a place of love and intuition.

Rule #1

The thing about having #3 so close to having Caroline is that my body hasn't quite bounced back.  For instance, I still have those wispy little bangs from where my hair fell out.  They are now of a more normal length, but that's almost kind of worse because it looks like they are intentional.  Which they are not.  I do not look good with bangs.

The other thing is that now, at exactly 12 weeks, I am already dipping into the maternity clothes.  That pooch that eventually lessens (does it ever go away??) hadn't really gotten all that "less" yet.

When I was pregnant with Jonah, Josh and I went to Edisto Island with the youth group from the church we had attended in Johnson City, TN.  They were helping a small congregation with a building project.  I was 6 months pregnant so I spent my time cooking and shopping (for groceries) and doing other things along those lines.  In the evening all the girls would come back and they would shower, go to the beach and sit around talking.  One of the girls asked me something along the lines of, "Has your body changed much?"

Even at 6 months with my first one I laughed.  I told her that I was pretty sure that my body wouldn't ever be the same again.  And I was okay with it.  My belly was stretching and there were the red lines running down my abdomen to prove it.  My balance was all off, and I got tired very easily.  Someone else had taken up residency in my body, and now I had to share it until they decided to leave.

The funny thing is that I learned more about my body from their presences than I ever would have thought possible.  I carried Jonah high and I carried Caroline low, and either way I was suddenly more aware of everything.  More aware of what I eat and drink and how I stand or sit.  If I slouched I'd get an elbow in the bladder or heartburn.

The loss of my own bodily autonomy (to some extent) has made me more aware of myself physically and emotionally.  My needs and actions are sometimes contrary to their desires and the result can be difficult to deal with at first.  it is the first step to motherhood, though.  It is the first rule, being applied so that you will never forget it.

Rule #1: Your needs and desires will have to come second.

This rule isn't absolute, and it fades away when they get older, but I can still see my mother living this fundamental rule when she drops everything to fly off to North Carolina or Tennessee to help my sisters, or when she spends time with my children so I can work, or when I can see the conflict on her face because she cannot be in two places at once.

When I was pregnant it was easy to get this rule.  Don't drink cokes, it will give you heartburn.  Don't slouch, Jonah will kick you in the side.  Eat regularly.  Learn how to give birth.  Not that complicated.  And then he was born.  Then I find myself sleeping while sitting up in the rocker, or nursing for hours on end, or unable to get up and go to the bathroom when I need to go for any number of reasons.  I was always just out of reach of the thing I needed, and unable to move, lest I wake or disturb my child.  I couldn't sleep more than a few hours at a time.

I did eventually learn to deal with those things- after all, he was a helpless baby.  Now he's three and I find that I am still constrained by him, just in different ways.  We can't just get in the car and go.  He has to buckle his own seatbelt and he has to say the magic words to open or close the car doors... heaven help you if you forget one of his crucial steps.  I imagine it will be something like this until he moves out.  

And it's okay. It's just Rule #1.  Just the first of many changes you make as a mother.