Saturday, March 18

The end of the day

Many things affect the way we think about ourselves. A while back I had a whole post about the weirdness I felt in the changes my body had undertaken, and I feel very similarly about my hair. I can't quite say why it is that hair can affect us so much. It's an odd thing. It both decorates and sheilds us from the world around us. without it there is a sense of being naked- of others being able to see more of what is inside our head without having our hair to hide it- or to hide behind.

In Johnson City I had a friend who came to Bible study occasionally. We were talking about trying circumstances one night and she told us all about how she shaved her head (I think it was on a dare, or bet) when she was in High School and how she had to deal with some major depressive issues afterward. It was as if a part of her had been violated- and worse, she did it to herself, and could not take it back.

In the process of dealing with life changes (moving, weird work situation, isolation, sudden availability of my family, the sudden reality of non-school related life) I think I find it all the more disturbing that I have lost my curtain to hide behind. I like things orderly and neat and this haircut is anything but- in both style and in it's affect on my routine. This is disturbing to me because I'm meeting all sorts of new people and making new impressions and trying to find a whole new support system. It's scary for me.

So I'm seeking balance- a positive outlook to balance my dread of being in public with (yet another) reason to feel self-concious.



NOL said...

Sometimes when we feel the most exposed to others we are simply allowing them a clear view to look beyond the physical and see the heart of love behind it all. I admire you for your curage and for your honesty. Without even knowing it your aditude is an inspiration for me, and undboubtedly others who are also afriad of how they look in public.

Chara said...

I think that being totaly exposed for who we are is one of the biggest fearsof mankind. I know it's one of mine. We get very comfotable with the voice inside our head staying inside our head.

It's often very difficult to really take a good look at the whole of who you are- all at once, without anything being shaded or hidden. Somehow it seems that when a part of us (I've heard of this being true of people who have lost a great deal of weight) is removed the other parts come more clearly into focus.

nol- thanks.


stefanie said...

hiding behind that curtain of hair is helpful =) i used to do that all the time. it's interesting, at least in relationship to my own "shearing" experiences to note we see cutting hair as a sign of major emotional shifts... and for me, i wanted to sink deeper within myself(and did) but my short hair made me feel vulnerable. strange how outward actions can contradict our inner motives and emotions.
... i love you for exploring everything and doing so fearlessly. ;)