Wednesday, February 19

Something I Feel Strongly About

I've started a 30 day challenge for writing blog posts, which I've done before and forgotten about before day 5.  I'm not great with plants or sourdough starters either, since I tend to forget all about all of these things, and before you know it, the starter or the plant or the post is dead.
This is post number 2, and the prompt is stumping me.  I know that there are things that I feel strongly about, but I can't seem to think of any at the moment.  That summarizes my life lately.  I want to get worked up about things, but I just can't.  It takes too much energy, which is in short supply, for me.  I'd like to believe that this is a sign that I'm growing up and becoming more of an adult.  That being unable to release a firestorm of emotion is an indication that I am more self-controlled.
But I know it's not.
In all honesty, it's because I've buried it all. If I get enraged over another driver's mistake, or a political issue, or the way that someone is being treated I'm afraid that a flood of emotion might come rushing out, with no way to stem to tide. How easy it would be to watch a video of a soldier surprising their kid and just lose myself completely. All the sadness and happiness and brokenness and love and anger and hope in life would be released, and that is a terrifying thought to me.  So much of my life is lived internally that it often stays there, unshared and unexpressed.  That's just a hazard of being introverted, though.
There is always the desire to share these things, to uncap this bottle and release the genie. The fear of not being seen and understood when I do, is also constantly present.  What if I open myself up and I'm left to try to understand this alone.  What if there is no one to share all of this with?  It's a risk.

So I guess the thing i feel strongly about is holding myself back.

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