"I know it will be a challenge to balance my designing with being a mother, as it always is. And there are so many other things I'd like to be doing (...helping John with the house, traveling, returning to school, painting - sigh), but I'm also feeling more peace about the time that life takes. I'm grateful that I have many adventures waiting to follow this one." (emphasis mine)
And suddenly it clicked. I wasn't looking for balance, so much as peace.
Someone has been trying to tell me that for a while, but I have been a bit preoccupied and unable to really hear the small still voice that has been whispering in my ear.
It's like the comment someone recently left on my post "The Black Bride and the White Bride"
I just read your post and I think that I have to disagree with your conclusion. I think that to let that black bride live on and balance out the white bride is in the end, to lose yourself to darkness. Balance between the two is not the goal. In the end, there will be a clear winner and if we don't have the guts to die to our "selves" then we can never really live in that beautiful place that we were meant to. In the end, don't we all long to be that pure and spotless bride?
Lissanne (whoever she may be, and however she may have come to my blog) saw something that I didn't. Matthew 6:24 says, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. " And here I have been for the last few years trying to live both as my single self, and as my adult-mother-wife self. It's no wonder that I've been so unsettled. I haven't committed to hating any aspect of my life, but I haven't been able to commit to loving either one. What a sad way to live.
I do long to be that pure and spotless bride. I do long to be more at peace with the time that life is taking. But I still find myself longing to be only myself, and not everyone else's Mother-Wife-Daughter-Sister-Friend. I know that this is normal. I know that it happens to every woman at varying degrees and at varying times, but I find myself a bit shocked at just how vehemently I have found myself desiring to step out of my roles.
Don't misunderstand. I don't want a permanent leave from them; I only want to be able to retreat to some solitude upon occasion. I would like some temporary escape. I believe that this is why I stay up too late at night.
So instead of looking for balance (I won't be doing that anymore) I am going to be looking for peace with my life. I am going to look for reasons to commit fully to loving ALL the roles in my life. I'm going to look for joy in places that I usually just get annoyed- like the dishes, or the laundry, or the tantrums that my Monkey throws. I'm going to spend time falling in love with my jobs, and my family and myself, again.
Isn't it just depressing that I've been thinking all this time that I'm just not balancing them correctly, and really I've just been spending all my time lamenting that life moves on? We make choices and take all sorts of different paths, and life always keeps moving. It doesn't stop for us to enjoy it, so we have to enjoy the ride.