So here's a confession... I don't have a recent picture of me and my friends. I've looked and I've got pictures of me and my family, my in-laws at my brother-in-law's wonderful wedding, my kids, even a praying mantis, but I barely have any pictures of me, much less with friends.
Why?
I don't know. It's not that I don't have friends, it's just that we don't sit around taking pictures of ourselves, I guess. We're more likely to be taking pictures of our kids than ourselves. We're mostly moms. We're trying to balance all the different aspects of our lives, and chronicling what we look like and who we spent our time with in film (okay, digital pixels or something?) is just not a priority.
But I'm thinking about pictures of myself in general... I don't have a lot. I had to have Josh take the picture of me that I posted the other day. Unless I'm at an event (like the wonderful wedding this summer) it's not likely that I'm going to be in any pictures that are taken. I'm more likely to be behind the camera.
And that's fine with me. The post-baby weight hasn't come off as easily with #2 as with #1 and some days I feel lucky to get a shower, so I'm not always looking my best. That's hard to admit- especially for the part of me that is still a high school girl, paranoid that I don't look good enough.
This all hit home last weekend. We were supposed to have a family portrait made to go in our church directory. I was hoping it might come out well so that we could have a nice framed portrait of the four of us. Maybe even something to frame and give our parents. I managed to get Jonah and Caroline dressed properly and everyone was clean and neat... except me. I realized after the pictures were taken that I had forgotten to put on make-up before we left the house. I was trying so hard to make sure that everyone was dressed and pressed that I completely missed that I didn't even put lipstick on, or darken my almost invisible eyelashes.
The result wasn't one that I will be sharing.
I could go into a whole tirade about body image, or even about how I put everyone else's needs first and neglect my own... but the truth is that it's just part of being in this stage of life. My job (my actual occupation) is to take care of three other people as well as myself, and make-up just isn't the most important thing right now. The important things are making sure that my kids are healthy, loved, and nurtured. The important things are making sure my husband has a nice place to come home to and a happy wife, and good kids. The important things are making sure that I don't waste this short, precious time in our lives by getting hung up on myself, but on doing my job well. No one is going to fire me from this job, but I'll sure know if I've deserved to be.
2 comments:
I was thinking about the church pictures, and how in the past I always choose pictures where I look the best. Even if John or my friends or whoever else is in the photo doesn't look their best.
But this time was different. I chose the one where Colt and Owen looked the best. And John looked great too. It was the WORST picture of me. I looked washed out (always), no lipstick, my hair looked stringy, I looked heavy. But the rest of my family looked their best and that's the one I chose.
It was kind of eye-opening for me. I felt like you did. A small moment that was a big realization. I wasn't staring at myself in the photos, I was staring at my precious boys. And that moment in time was fine with me.
Jessica-
Thanks so much for saying that! I was really starting to second guess myself, but what you said makes me feel much better.
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