It seems that a running theme on this blog (from time to time, anyway) has been my quest for balance. There are so many opposing interests in my life that I have had a difficult time achieving what I believe to be "balance."
There was a time when working at NSN (and my general desire for a paycheck) opposed my desire to work professionally as a storyteller. Now it's my desire to spend time with my child versus my desire to enrich myself intellectually, versus my desire NOT to live in a cardboard box somewhere down the road. How's that for complicated?
Currently, I have two part-time jobs, and one full-time job (SAHM counts) and a latent desire to be involved in storytelling, and a body that seems incapable of keeping up with all of this. I think I need naps more than Jonah does.
I love teaching at Oklahoma Christian. It's only one class, so it doesn't generally interfere with other things, but it's still difficult to keep up with when I have a two-year-old running around who likes to push the buttons on my computer. My paycheck form teaching at Sonshine School only two days a week makes the time there worth it- most of the time. I love my child. I have a passion to tell stories, and would really like to do more speaking like I did in Winfield a few weeks ago... But the balancing act is starting to feel like the Cat in the Hat... without the overabundance of confidence.
Even more so, I'm starting to wonder if this balancing act is creating more chaos than fulfillment in my life.
When I graduated from high school we had to pick up our diplomas from our english teacher. Mine was Ms. Adams. I loved her. She is the one I went to when I suddenly found myself in a very awkward situation with a classmate, or divulged a laundry list of irrational fears to just as I was about to graduate. She was pretty patient with me.
After the ceremony they sent us directly inside the gym to get our diplomas. There I was in my gown (the cap having been lost when it was thrown in the air) and she took me aside and told me something I have never forgotten. She said, "From now on, you choose everyone and everything in your life for yourself. Jobs, friends, your religion... wherever you spend your time, remember that it's precious." And I wonder if I'm doing a very good job of this.
Have I chosen wisely? Have i let myself be led astray by the things I think I need to do instead of the things that will really mean a lot to me in the long run? I don't know. I am starting to realize that this is less a balancing act and more of a centering act. The lack of balance is something inside me- not outside of me. Some choices are easier to make when you recognize that.