The Black Bride and the White Bride

In fairy tales there is a naturally recurring theme of a false bride taking the place of the true bride. The false bride is often referred to as the Black Bride and the true bride is referred to as the White Bride.

Joan Gould talks about these two as two halves of the same woman. Often we see marriage as the fulfillment of a set of relationships: daughter, friend, lover, mother, sister... "With this ring, I become everything I am meant to be!" we should say.

However, the reality of the expectations of these relationships is often overwhelming- even oppressive- and enters the Black Bride. She is hideous. A shrew who is completely self-centered. The Prince wonders how he could have been so duped as to marry such a evil, foul woman, who is so obviously not the angel of the house he believed her to be...

What woman hasn't found herself transforming (some days when the kids are too clingy, or you find nails in your washer from your husband's pants) into that ugly, selfish witch? You want to love them and be everything for them, but part of you just wants to escape to the hammock and read, or find a quiet corner to paint, or just come home at the end of the day to find that your house is clean and quiet and no one is wanting anything from you. And yet, we also long for a home and family and people to give ourselves to. We long for someone to love us, and grow old with us. How could we not? No one wants to be alone, especially women, whose very DNA calls them to seek out the best genetic material available and procreate.

And how do we reconcile these two aspects of ourselves? Fairy tales seem to suggest two options. In The Black Bride and the White Bride the White Bride is revealed and the Black Bride killed. Do we really want to sacrifice our Selves to our children and husbands? If we did, there would be no Black Bride.

The other option lies in another story I've mentioned recently- the story of the Seal Wife. (I managed to find this copy of the story, but itis only briefly mentioned among other information about Selkies) In this story the wife is forced to abandon her true home, and after many years of marraige and bearing children, she finds her seal skin, and returns to her home. In some ways this story is slightly disturbing. What mother would abandon her children? And yet, she is not just a mother, but a beautiful creature who had been forced into servitude- although it wasn't exactly slavery since the story does say that she grew to love her husband. However, the story also makes it clear that her children were old enough not to be completely dependent on her, though that doesn't make it much less horrifying that she abandoned them.

Somewhere between these two extremes lies the key to a happy wife and mother. She does not put her Self to a gruesome death, but she also does not abandon her family to swim in the solitude of her own individual indulgence. The key is balance. Much like the rest of life, balance offers the opportunity to be both the dark and light aspects of Bridehood. How do you pin that down? Is there some method that we must all learn to execute in order to retain our essence without letting it drown us?

Perhaps that is the fairy tale I'm looking for.