Tuesday, July 17

#235

On my 235th post I am thinking about other numbers.

2- There's just been the two of us (me and Josh) for a long time. If we wanted to go out and hike around the rhododendron gardens until the wee hours, or take off on a weekend at a cabin, or go listen to Barbara Kingsolver read from her new book- we just did it. And if that meant we drove for 8 or 12 hours, I just brought a book and tried to stay awake while Josh drove.
4 1/2- We've been married for just a little while. Only four and a half years of all this, but it seems like it's always been this way. I'm still learning new things about my husband and just now figuring out that I was wrong about some. More than anything else I'm figuring out how incredibly lucky I am to have such a fantastic man to open my doors and worry about how I'm feeling and to plant tomatoes in our backyard.

1/2- When I was born I was only half of the equation. I was never alone- not even when we started school and we were separated. I wonder what it will be like for this little one not to have a counterpart. I guess it's sort of dumb for me to have never considered it before (it's not like I've never met anyone who wasn't a twin) but I can't imagine what it would have been like for me to not have had that second comforting presence beside me through ever scary milestone in life.
And this is my favorite picture of Tara
1-You only get one mother, and they make such an incredible impact on your life. I think about all the things that I might say or do that lump might remember that I might not do or say if I knew the impact it might have. It scares me to think about how much of a change I might make with one thoughtless moment.
But then I think about MY mom and there were certainly thoughtless moments, but they seem to fade in the light of all the other moments- like every single time she said she loved me and how she was always right there when I needed her, and when I didn't think I needed her. I just hope my ratio comes out as unequally balanced toward the positive as it has for her.

Finally...

87- I realized the other day that there is a very short period of time left until I will be giving birth. 87 days from today. That's not very long. There's still a lot to do and take care of and prepare. But I don't think that I will ever be prepared for this. I hoped for this for a long time and now that I am facing an actual countdown of days (a set number of hours and minutes) I'm getting a bit nervous.
We've started childbirth classes and we've read lots and watched videos and I've watched my diet and excercize but it seems like I thought that I would just be pregnant forever. I guess I forgot about the after part. Only 87 days to go and I feel like I need 87 years!

4 comments:

mtnman said...

He's far luckier than you are.

ian wheat said...

Good thoughts... I know "lump" will be well loved and cared for in the Watson family.
Oh and good luck on the last 87 days! ;)

Sara said...

I used to feel so confused about some of the news stories I heard involving neglected children or stories I have heard from other people. It just seems so natural to me to love my children in such an unconditional way. This past winter I was standing in the freezing cold with one of my coworkers. She must be in her late 70's. I had mentioned something about my children and she said, "Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you are a mother." I had never thought about it that way but she was right. Some of us were born with a mother inside of us already. You're whole post was written exactly a way a good mother thinks. Yeah, you'll make mistakes. But just like your mom all the love and support and good memories fade out those silly mistakes. Besides kids are what 3 or 4 before they really remember anything for life? That gives you a little time to get broken in. LOL. You will be great. With a mother like yours I can't imagine that any of you girls would be any less than amazing.

Audrey said...

I love you.

Can't wait to see you again.