Friday, September 15

Things I would never post

I would never post anything about my job- how difficult and frustrating it is. How I am wondering if it's really worth it working there- and have been thinking this for quite a while. I would never post what I really think of my boss leaving or of my new boss coming in, or of our board.
I would never post anything about how angry I still am at someone who derailed my entire life. How angry it makes me that I had to clean up the mess that he wasn't man enough to clean up. How scared that anger makes me sometimes.
I would never post anything about the things Josh and I argue about. I would never let anyone in on the long conversations we have in the dark, drinking coffee and trying to figure out our lives and how tenuous the connection between them can be.
I would never post anything about how scared I am of being really honest with everyone about who I am and what I want in life. I wouldn't be able to face the black and white reality of my perceived short-comings, or about how I know that those things that hold me back are mostly in my head.
I would never post about how the changes that I have undergone in he last ten years really frighten me. I wouldn't talk about how I've stopped writing for myself and stopped being who I am because I realized that a lot of who I am isn't acceptable to other people. Being quiet and being in love with the details of life makes people uncomfortable, but I wouldn't say that to all the people that it might make uncomfortable on this blog.

I guess that this is what comes of writing in a public forum. Whether you want to or not, you consider your audience and their reactions when they read your thoughts.


Shirley said...

Those of us who love you will accept, and love you, no matter what. Be who you are, not who you think others want you to be.

I love you,

Aunt Shirley

Holly! said...

Sometimes learning the life lesson that says you must live for yourself and no one else, is the easy part. The hard part is... actually changing. I hope you will learn this lesson soon, it's a hard one to conquer; but you will be a much happier person.

The day I figured it out was when someone told me I had no right to complain about my life because I chose it. If it is really that bad then change it, don't just sit there and take it. He was right! I was just too comfortable and afraid to make the changes that I needed. Within 2 weeks I changed my entire life--I have no regrets.

Rose Arrowsmith DeCoux said...

This resonates for me. Do you also get into the really mean spiral of thinking that you're really self-involved for even thinking people would be reading all that stuff you don't want to post about? I definitely go there at times. We are strange creatures--but we can be in love with the details and be poets, so we are lovely, too.