Since I found out that I'm pregnant I've had varying emotions. Complete terror at the thought of having TWO to deal with on a daily basis. Joy, knowing it's a girl... fear knowing it's a girl. Physical discomfort, seemingly more than last time (am I imagining this?) and emotional peace with what I'm going through. And on top of all that I've added a second part-time job. How mixed up am I that I teach preschool two days a week and a college class the other three?
What's the result? I'm paring off the excess parts of my life, honestly. If I don't have to and I don't need to do something or be somewhere, I say no. That's a hard one. I've never been good at saying no to other people, but here I am NOT teaching sunday school, NOT going out when I can stay home and spend time getting caught up on my house, and spending time with my little Monkey, or with Josh. I'm NOT doing a lot of things and I don't feel bad about it, or feel like I'm missing anything. I won't apologize for prioritizing myself right now.
The truth is that as crazy as life is right now, I know it will only get crazier when Caroline comes along in a few months. I'll be adjusting to her schedule, and adjusting Jonah to her in general, and trying to balance time between them, and still find time for me to be a wife, housekeeper and... Chara. I think I know why there aren't a lot of storytellers who are young mothers.
And yet, I feel like I have a lot of stories floating in my head, trying to find a hold, and a place so they can come out. I feel like I am floating around, trying to find a hold, and a place so I can come out. As much as I am prioritizing myself, I still seem unable to find the time to outlet who I am. Maybe that is manifest, most by my lack of posting on this blog, or by the excessive number of hot baths I've been taking in the evenings (so much so that my skin has been really dry lately, and the bathroom door has been swelling).
I am speaking in Winfield Kansas on Saturday, and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the tongue... controlling it instead of letting it control you, knowing when to speak up and how to speak up. I feel like I've been silent for a while now, and it is time that I let my voice out again.