Welcome Sadie!

I finally have a few quiet moments.  Sadie is sleeping, Josh and the children are at church.  The news is playing quietly, but the chaos in the world isn't really getting in.  It's peaceful here.  

Photo Credit: Audrey Dodgen of Dodgen Photography.  

I went into labor sometime Wednesday night.  I'm not sure what time because, after we got home from church and put the kids to bed I got into the bathtub with a really good book.  I haven't finished it yet.  I did read about half of it before I got out of the tub at 12:30.  It was late and Josh was already sleeping, so I just crawled into bed and fell asleep pretty quickly.  Caroline woke us up about an hour later and Josh went to check on her.  I realized that I was having contractions and I was wet.  Not soaked, but pretty wet.  Caroline was still fussing, so I went and rocked her for a bit and noticed that the contractions were pretty regular.  I put her to bed when she fell asleep and then told Josh what was going on.  We timed a few and they were about 6 minutes apart, so we called my Mom and Tara.  Mom was coming over to sit with the kids and Tara was going to have to drive up from Texas, where she's just moved.  


We got to the hospital around 3 am and got up to L&D without any incident, thought I have to admit that OU's hospitals are the most confusing hallways I've ever navigated.  We checked in and I was already at 6 cm, so they took us to a room and basically left us alone until it was time to push.  My Midwife wasn't on call until the next day, so another one, Barb was there.  She was fabulous.  


My cousin Audrey came up to take pictures.  It was nice to have someone to chat with between contractions.  She takes fantastic pictures and she kept Josh occupied. The contractions were pretty intense after a bit, and Josh would rub my back or let me hold onto him until they passed.  For a while I really didn't think Tara was going to make it.  They were incredibly intense, and I started to feel a little pushy, so they called Barb and she checked me.  I was only at 8, so she told me I was going to have to wait a bit.  Oddly, just after that things slowed down for a while.  I kept thinking about Tara and hoping she'd make it and at about 6 am the contractions picked back up and Tara got there.  I had them call Barb back and she checked me again and I was ready.  They broke the bed down so I could squat at the end of the bed.  


On and off I had been listening to my Hypnobabies tracks.  This is the third unmedicated birth that I've had and I realized early on that the only way to accomplish it was to learn to relax myself as completely as possible and let my body do what it was supposed to do.  I had asked that I not  have anyone coach me to push.  Instead I let my body push as it needed to.  I started to feel kind of embarrassed, like I wasn't doing anything.  Barb and my nurse (what was her name?) and Josh and Tara and Audrey were all just standing around while I waited for a contraction and the eventual, short urge to push that would pass pretty quickly.  But Barb never said a thing except to encourage me when I made a little progress and Josh just kept whispering in my ear.  It was really peaceful and relaxed.  There wasn't any hurry.  The monitors showed that Sadie was fine and my body was working.  


About 35 minutes in I got a stronger urge and so I pushed.  And then I pushed really hard.  Her head came out and she was about halfway there, but that's when they realized that the cord was wrapped around her neck.  Twice.  And she started to turn purple.  So Barb told me those things and told me that I needed to push now.  She was gentle but firm.  I wanted to rest, I was afraid of pushing too hard and tearing, but I knew that I needed to push so I did.  And thats how Sadie came out in basically two pushes.  


I've been so afraid of what might happen.  I had no idea how peaceful it could be to give birth on my own time.  I didn't tear at all, and Sadie was as red as a lobster, but she was fine and now she's doing just fine.  There wasn't the kind of fear this time that there was in the past.  


I've been thinking about a particular Bible verse for the last week or so: 

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18 (esv)

I'm not saying that I've somehow been perfected in love- I have a long way to go- but in that moment, when I could have been frightened, I was strong.  It actually never occurred to me that anything bad would happen to her.  I just knew that I needed to do something for her and I did.  

Maybe it's because I stopped thinking about it so much and just did what I needed to do in the way that I needed to do it, or maybe it's because I've been so intentionally preparing for this birth, but whatever it is or was, all I thought about was that little face and what she needed.  It feels like this is speaking so much toward where I am and what I am hoping to become as a mother.  It's hard and lonely sometimes to be a mother.  It feels like you give and give until you have almost nothing left and you just want to eat a meal without having to get up, or go to the bathroom without an audience.  But there are moments when your kids really need you to stop thinking about yourself and the things you are afraid of and be or do for them what they really need at that moment.  Maybe they won't strangle, but maybe they won't thrive either. 

Am I an old pro?  No, but I feel like I might be hitting a stride.  I feel like I might finally be figuring things out.  Of course, I still haven't actually gone anywhere with the three of them alone.  Yet. 

1000 Gifts Post #8

132. Nap time
133. Watching Jonah draw and color
134. Exercise Balls
135. Tea
136. Quiet days
137. Bath time for me
138. Vanilla Yogurt
139. Blogs
140.  Email
141. Hand-me-down clothing
142. Moms who help you clean everything out and reorganize
143. fuzzy socks
144. Quesadillas

Old Pro

"Do you feel like an old pro yet? I'm curious what it is like to have some of the mystery taken out of the experience."


My friend, Rose, commented on my last post and this statement really caught my attention.  Am I an old pro?  This will be my third baby and my third completely natural birth.  I still remember how nervous I was before Jonah was born, and how everyone was pretty encouraging, except for one woman from church.  I mentioned in a social situation (to someone else) that I was planning on a natural birth and she laughed at me.  She told me it would hurt too bad and I would never be able to do it.  WHile listening to her talk, I realized that she was offended that I would even think that I would be able to do it.  It was a very strange experience.  On the one hand she fed into all of my deepest fears: that I wouldn't be able to handle the pain or that I simply wasn't strong enough.  On the other hand, I felt strangely detached listening to her.  I felt sorry for her.  I don't know what her experience was with that one child she'd had 6 or 8 years before, but it obviously wasn't particularly good.  I didn't really respond much to her.  Instead I went on to have Jonah, drug free and very quickly.  I don't know what her thoughts were after that, but I wasn't going to ask either.

All of my appointments with my midwife have been fairly brief.  She's super-nice and open to whatever questions I might have, but the truth is that there aren't a lot of questions about this pregnancy.  So I come in and they weigh me and take my blood pressure, and we listen to the heartbeat and they measure my belly to make sure she's growing roughly on schedule.  She has and my blood pressure and weight haven't been an issue, so we visit for a few minutes and then I go.  I usually get home from the appointment about an hour after I leave the house.  This pregnancy has been fairly boring.  


So, am I an old pro?  I know what to expect and I don't really need to ask a million questions.  I'm very well read on pregnancy and birth, though there are still things I'm learning every day.  


The rest of Rose's comment was about the spiritual side of birth.  In theory I know that I need to have patience and faith that my body was made to do this: that Sadie will come at the right time, even if it isn't my timing.  I have a lot of faith in my body.  I know that I can give birth and that my body doesn't need lots of medical intervention to do what it's supposed to do.  I suppose that's not really faith, since it's been proven on two pervious occasions, but pregnancy and birth are unpredictable things, like hurricanes.  They are strong, wild acts of nature that you can't control. You can predict a lot of what will happen, but sometimes they fly off in a direction you didn't expect. You might suddenly find yourself with shoulder dystocia or unexpected tearing, or other things that I won't talk about.  That's what makes it all so frightening


And it is frightening, even if you have had several children.  You still don't know if the storm will take off in some unknown direction and leave you physically and spiritually ravaged. It's not just a question of medical issues, though it certainly does involve your physical integrity.  It also involves your spiritual integrity.  It's true, the quote by Elizabeth Stone, having a child is a momentous decision, because a piece of your heart is forever outside of your control after you make it.  Whatever happens to your child, happens to a part of you. There is almost no way to be fully prepared for that release. 


So, why the impatience? Jonah was born eight days after his scheduled due date, so there was more than a little impatient anticipation (not helped at all by the boss who called repeatedly to ask if I had gone into labor yet, or the fact that my substitute teacher quit a few days after I started my maternity leave, or the abrasive midwife who brought up induction the minute I was "overdue").  I carried Caroline so low toward the end of my pregnancy that I was incredibly uncomfortable. But discomfort and social pressure and being overdue are only a small part of it, i think. I think it's a simple matter of wanting to have the outcome decided.  To have the next stage of things begin and some closure to the uncertainty. 


Am I an old pro?  Am I an old pro at being impatient.  I'm an old pro at researching my options and knowing as much about the process as possible.  I'm an old pro at going into labor and keeping calm.  I'm an old pro at finding myself about to push and being suddenly terrified.  


So maybe I'm an old pro, but not necessarily in the way I'd like to be. I'd like to be a pro at relinquishing control without reservation.  I'd like to be a pro at recognizing my own power in moments when fear usually grips me. I'm not sure you ever become completely competent at these things, perhaps just more practiced at it. 

Waiting

For so long my prayer has been- Not until after Christmas.  I just have too many little projects that have to be completed before Sadie comes, so Lord, please let her wait until I have a chance to get past Christmas!

And she did.

I'm not technically due until the 14th, so I'm really still quite early to be so impatient, but I'm also very worn out.  My body hurts.  For the last few evenings she has decided to stick her behind out just over my belly button.  My only recourse is to push back to lessen the pressure, but it doesn't help much.  There are lots of hot baths and sitting on my exercise ball, but mostly I'm just ready to be done.

And then there's the kids... Jonah knows it's coming, which has made him a bit difficult and it's hard to explain to Caroline, so I'm afraid she's just in for a big shock.

Life changes so quickly, and it seems like there's nothing to do but to go along and try to adjust in the moment.  To take a close look at how you are dealing with things and to constantly gauge whether your own approach is still appropriate for the situation. There are lots of times when I feel like I just need to catch my breath.  I just needs to take a moment and step away from all of it and remember who I am and what I am passionate about.

My kids.  My husband.  Stories.  Not necessarily always in that order.

I'll have a new story to tell soon.