"Rise up and call her Blessed."

My daughter turns one on Saturday.  This year has flown by so quickly.  I want to be able to hold her as my little one for a bit longer, but it seems that she has other ideas. She likes to walk around holding your hands- both hands- and will probably be walking soon.  She can help me dress and undress her.  She says cracker, Mama, Daddy, and growls at the dog.  She has her first ear infection, but doesn't seem to mind taking the antibiotics.

Her brother holds her hands and helps her walk.  He makes her laugh all the time. He rides around in the wagon behind the lawnmower and helps his Daddy pick up fallen branches after the storms from the other night.  He suddenly likes Fiber One, and won't take baths, and tried calling me by my first name today.  There was a wicked little gleam in his eye when he said it and I had to laugh.

Will these little blessings speak well of me when I am old?  Will they remember my short temper or my indulgences?  I don't know.  For now I take it all one day at a time.

The Virtuous Woman

The Virtuous Woman
Proverbs 31:10-31
 A good woman is hard to find,
   and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
   and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
   all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
   and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
   and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
   for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
   then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
   rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
   is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
   diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
   reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
   their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
   and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
   when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
   brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
   and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
   and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
   and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
   her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
   but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
   The woman to be admired and praised
   is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
   Festoon her life with praises! (Proverbs 31:10-31, The Message)

This morning, in Bible class, we discussed Proverbs 31 and the Virtuous Woman.  It's Mother's Day and the teacher felt that it would be appropriate.  He mentioned it to his wife (a good friend of mine) and he told us that she rolled her eyes, and when he asked her why she said, "Oh great, now I can sit and feel bad about myself for 45 minutes."

I have to say that I understand what she meant.  It doesn't help that the versions of the Bible that we usually read make the jobs she chooses sound antiquated and un-relatable.  She's like one of those Super-Moms who makes her own crustless bread and survives on only 4 hours of sleep, dedicating the rest of the night to scouring her home with a toothbrush.  That's why I used The Message's version of the text above.  I don't always like The Message, but in this instance it made the passage much easier to relate to... or at least less antiquated.

Really, there are many standards that I feel I will never be able to live up to, but this one truly takes the cake.  The more that I sat through class this morning, the more irked I got.  Possibly, it was because of the comments, and the fact that they were almost exclusively coming from the men in the class, who seemed to clearly have no idea how high a standard was being set, or how capable a woman is without a man.  Especially that second one.

I had to speak up.  (Shocker, right? I didn't say everything I wanted to say, so maybe that's why I'm writing this.)  The Elder in our class had just pointed out that the example was to be an ideal, not necessarily something that we were always completely capable of achieving, but one we were to aspire to.  I said that I thought that the transition to being a mother was likely the hardest transition in my entire life and I agreed with Mr. Blankenship.

I wanted to say (and, of course, did not) that the list of jobs that this woman accomplishes are often the most thankless tasks.  Making sure your winter clothes are available and in good repair when it gets cold?  Most people don't think to do anything about that until it's actually cold, but talk about complaining when they are freezing and their long johns are in storage.  Planting and working a garden so your family has fresh, free veggies in season?  Great for your family, but will they even eat them?  Getting up before dawn to make breakfast and prepare for the day?  Wonderful, unless you only caught sleep in two or three hour increments the night before.  Really?  It's likely that no one will thank you for getting up early, but they'll sure complain if they are hungry, or don't have all their things ready to go when they have to leave in the morning.

Yes, a list of thankless tasks.

As I have been reminded, it's okay to thank yourself for completing these tasks- even if it sounds silly.  And, it's not as if Mothers do them to be thanked, anyway.  It's only now, as I am an adult, that I really understand how very hard my mother worked.  One summer she made 16 pairs of shorts for us.  That's 4 pairs apiece.  We didn't have a lot of money, so it was really necessary for her to do it.  I don't remember if I thanked her, but at least one pair of those shorts earned me my first nickname.  I wore them all summer and kept a chunk of the fabric even after I outgrew them.

I don't believe that if I don't become exactly this woman (say I never learn to sew properly, or I never am quite able to dedicate myself to a garden) that I will be a failure.  There is more in the spirit of this description than the specifics of it, that make her virtuous.  It's something to aspire to, though.  it's something to slowly hope I can evolve into.

Maybe one day I'll be able to go to bed early enough that I can manage to sneak up before the rest of my family.  Maybe one day I'll learn to sew well enough that I can make clothes for them.  Maybe one day I will be able to keep my tongue in check, and spend time helping the needy and think ahead far enough in advance that I can be prepared for the next season before it is already half over.  Maybe one day.  In the mean time, I'll work on the little things I can accomplish in her list. I'll work at getting proficient at them and worry about acquiring new skills as I can.

The Work We Do

Recently, I had a friend who blogged about her dislike for the SAHM label.  I have to say that I dislike the term as well.  In so many ways it is very limiting.  I was asked today if i "work outside the home" and I almost made a crack about how sometimes I take my kids into the yard.

"I am an adjunct professor at OC." is what I answered, because I am polite.

And I thought about the work I do.  It's true, I take care of my children, and I teach, and I manage a home.   I struggle to keep up with all these things.  The individual tasks are not difficult, by any means, but the combination of watching children while trying to make dinner, or grade while my house needs to be cleaned, and laundry done.

This is not the hardest work I do.

Every morning I wake up and before I get out of bed I remake myself.  I have to do this every day, or I will revert to the person I used to be.  This new me is someone who has to remain calm and lead.  I must be someone who absolutely puts my family first; well ahead of my own needs.  I must be someone who is patient and kind even when I am very tired from lack of sleep, or frustrated from being unable to accomplish small tasks with ease.  I must be a focused example for my children, loving and respectful toward my husband, efficient and thoughtful in the tasks I am given.  It's a lot, and often I am not successful.

But the work I do must first, and foremost, be on myself.  I can accomplish every task, grade every paper, dress and feed my children, but if I do not have a joyful heart, no matter the complication, I fail at my work.  This is the work of a mother.  It's a process that will change you or galvanize a coldness of heart.  As a mother, you are softened by pregnancy, destroyed through selflessness, and reborn in love.

This is the work we do.