...more at peace with the time that Life takes...

Recently, I checked up on my sister's blog (by the way, can I tell you how proud I am of her??) and something that she threw out there really caught my attention.    

"I know it will be a challenge to balance my designing with being a mother, as it always is.  And there are so many other things I'd like to be doing (...helping John with the house, traveling, returning to school, painting - sigh), but I'm also feeling more peace about the time that life takes.  I'm grateful that I have many adventures waiting to follow this one."  (emphasis mine)


And suddenly it clicked.  I wasn't looking for balance, so much as peace.  


Someone has been trying to tell me that for a while, but I have been a bit preoccupied and unable to really hear the small still voice that has been whispering in my ear.  


It's like the comment someone recently left on my post "The Black Bride and the White Bride"  

Lissanne said...

I just read your post and I think that I have to disagree with your conclusion. I think that to let that black bride live on and balance out the white bride is in the end, to lose yourself to darkness. Balance between the two is not the goal. In the end, there will be a clear winner and if we don't have the guts to die to our "selves" then we can never really live in that beautiful place that we were meant to. In the end, don't we all long to be that pure and spotless bride? 


Lissanne (whoever she may be, and however she may have come to my blog) saw something that I didn't.  Matthew 6:24  says, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. "  And here I have been for the last few years trying to live both as my single self, and as my adult-mother-wife self.  It's no wonder that I've been so unsettled.  I haven't committed to hating any aspect of my life, but I haven't been able to commit to loving either one.  What a sad way to live.

I do long to be that pure and spotless bride.  I do long to be more at peace with the time that life is taking.  But I still find myself longing to be only myself, and not everyone else's Mother-Wife-Daughter-Sister-Friend.  I know that this is normal.  I know that it happens to every woman at varying degrees and at varying times, but I find myself a bit shocked at just how vehemently I have found myself desiring to step out of my roles.

Don't misunderstand.  I don't want a permanent leave from them; I only want to be able to retreat to some solitude upon occasion.  I would like some temporary escape.  I believe that this is why I stay up too late at night.

So instead of looking for balance (I won't be doing that anymore) I am going to be looking for peace with my life.  I am going to look for reasons to commit fully to loving ALL the roles in my life.  I'm going to look for joy in places that I usually just get annoyed- like the dishes, or the laundry, or the tantrums that my Monkey throws.  I'm going to spend time falling in love with my jobs, and my family and myself, again.

Isn't it just depressing that I've been thinking all this time that I'm just not balancing them correctly, and really I've just been spending all my time lamenting that life moves on?  We make choices and take all sorts of different paths, and life always keeps moving.  It doesn't stop for us to enjoy it, so we have to enjoy the ride.  

A New Year

Several years ago I stumbled onto a website called Flylady.  At the time I got super excited because I was working at home and I felt overwhelmed and trapped.  Our little house was truly tiny and it was often too much trouble for me to leave after work... so I didn't.    Looking back, I was probably depressed and my house reflected that. boxes were never unpacked.  My room wasn't clean, and dishes weren't done.  I spent a lot of time online doing nothing of any value.

And then I found Flylady...

In short, she shows you how to get your act together, and how to stop feeling guilty.  In some ways it seems a little hokey and at first I was a little embarrassed.  Then i noticed that I felt better about myself when i had a routine.  I am not a naturally neat person (Tara got that gene) and I'm not naturally organized or very disciplined- so she showed me how.

Over the years I've been on and off with her program.  I feel more balanced when i am on, but it usually only lasts a few weeks and then I crash and burn.  I could never figure out why until yesterday.



Did you notice in there how she said that she got overwhelmed with the cards?  I've done that.  I've done the cards, I've done flylady, I've done a notebook, I've done everything I can think of.  In the end, I just fly by the seat of my pants with little or no planning and a constant feeling of panic.  It's silly and dumb for a 30 year old woman to feel this way all the time.

This isn't about flylady.  It's about me.  I try to do it all at the same time and it doesn't work out right and I get frustrated and quit.

So I asked myself this morning (yes, I know it's the 4th of January) what I wanted to accomplish this year.  I knew that instantly.  I want to feel less panicked and more in control.  So instead of implementing some major new system, or even going back to Flylady, I'm going to take her advice.  One thing at a time.  Sort of.

See there's another thing I want.  I want to start taking better care of myself.  I spend so much time taking care of other people that I let myself get run down and tired and frazzled.  I don't spend enough time with God, or by myself, and that is why I feel like I'm going 90 MPH all day long until I just collapse.

So what are my goals?  For now, My goals are to do the following every day:
1.  Shine my sink.
     This is the same thing you saw in that video I posted.  She's right.  A clean sink makes me feel so    much better.  My least favorite chore is to do the dishes and if my sink is shining, there is no looming, nasty chore waiting for me.

2.  Sit down and journal with a cup of tea at the end of every day.
     I've gotten into a habit of sitting in bed and checking facebook after the kids are asleep, and I think it destroys my ability to stop thinking when I get into bed at night.  So instead, I want to take some time to really reflect on my day, read my Bible and drink a little tea just before bed.  I think it will be a good way to take care of myself and get into the mood to sleep.

Silly?  Stupid?  Not grand enough?  Maybe, but it is accomplishable, which is more than I can say for some of my past resolutions.  My goal is to reevaluate in a month, and if I can add something to this, so be it.

"Simplicity is the mother of balance." ~Kelly Morris