Wake Up Wednesday

Last week I confessed that there was something that I hadn't done and I told everyone who reads this blog that I feel like a child.  Over the last week I have realized why I still feel like a child, and I'm making an effort to be the adult that I know I am.

Like this morning, when I took Caroline to the doctor.  How is that related?  Well, that's the thing I hadn't done.  It's been since February that she has seen a doctor.  That means she is way behind on her vaccinations, and she's supposed to start Sonshine School in two weeks.  That's no good because she's going to be surrounded by other kids and other kids germs and their sibling's germs... so I sucked it up and called the new doctor's office.

That was actually part of the problem- we had to get a new doctor.  Our Insurance changed for the 2nd year in a row and our pediatrician no longer took our insurance.  I was overwhelmed, embarrassed, and really worn out.  So I just let it go.

No one got really sick in the mean time, so it didn't seem like a pressing issue.  And I let it go.

I was worried that the doctor, or nurses would give us a hard time for the lapse in care.  I thought up a short speech to use in case I needed to tell them to mind their own business.  I reminded myself that I am an adult and I am responsible for the time lapse, but I don't have to take a lecture.

You know what?  They weren't that worried about it.  She should be completely caught up on her shots by 18 months (that's only 3 months from now) and The doctor was great.  Very friendly and laid back.  It was nice to find a doctor that I feel like will listen to me and trust my instincts.

So what's on the calendar for the week?  If you pop over to I am Momma you can see her whole post- including the super-cute video that she had made of her boys.  Here's the short version:

Anyhow, this week's challenge is to spread good, uplifting messages.  Let me clarify.  

Have you ever read something or seen something that really meant a lot to you and you wanted to share it with others?  Maybe it was a quote or a book or a movie. 

I'll be working on a post for that.  

Sleeping Beauty

I was inspired to pick up Joan Gould's "Spinning Straw In Gold" again, recently.  An internet friend has been reading it on my recommendation and I thought it would be nice to look back through it.  It's funny how you can reread something after a little time has passed and it can mean something completely different to you.  You can relate to it in a way that is completely foreign to the person who read it the time before.  That's when you know you are learning something.

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On Wednesday I said, "I still feel like that gawky teenager with braces and a serious lack of responsibility.  I know that everyone says that they feel this way, and maybe they do, but there are times when this insecurity eats me alive- like when I've put something off for too long and it becomes awkward to actually correct the mistake."

I've been thinking about that post a lot in the last few days.  It's been the chewing gum in the back of my mind (as Carol Birch would put it) that I've slowly been processing, looking for the essence of it.  Why do I feel this way?  What is it that makes me disregard all the growth I've been through?

It's hard to recognize how deeply this feeling goes.  It's painful to know that some part of me feels so inadequate and that feeling has spread it's roots throughout my life.  It effects my mothering, my friendships, my ability to become a woman.  I have noticed that it's been especially bothersome just after I have a baby.  After Jonah I just felt odd.  Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the usual new-mother feelings of panic.  That was probably part of it.

After Caroline was born, I spent a lot of time searching for fairy tales about that transition from maiden to mother.  It seemed that everything focused so much more on maiden to wife transitions, except for a few stories, like "The Witch in the Stone Boat."  It was frustrating.  Otherwise, I took a lot of reassurance from other young moms who have expressed feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I wasn't the only one?  Maybe this was all normal?

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Reread that quote of mine:
"I still feel like that gawky teenager with braces and a serious lack of responsibility. "


You know the funny thing? I wasn't really ever a gawky teenager in braces.  I didn't get braces until I was a senior in high school and I wore them through the first two years of college.  I was twenty when they came off after two and a half years. I was definitely irresponsible during that time.  


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Joan Gould said, "In real life, all of us know sleeping beauties who fall asleep during puberty and fail to wake up until they find themselves married to the wrong man.  We know grown women (my mother was one of them) who spend their entire lives thinking of themselves as gils- in fact, as persecuted girls like Cinderella, forced to sit forever in the ashes and do the dirty work while the undeservedly happy women around them pass their time by going to balls."  


I felt that.  Deep in my bones.  I never thought that I "fell asleep" during puberty, but the resentfulness, and the feeling that other women were happier and they had it easy.  I couldn't understand why our situations were so different.  


In sleeping beauty, she is put to sleep by a spell which is meant to keep her young and beautiful and untouched until she is mean to wake and become a woman.  Not just a woman, but a wife and a queen, and a mother.  Until that time she sleeps, but for what purpose?  Sleeping Beauty was put to sleep to keep her safe; to keep her from slipping in to death instead of her rightful role.  


How many of us have seen the writing on the wall and known that what awaits us is not what we were meant to have, to be and do?  So we build walls of thorns and shut ourselves down to preserve ourselves until things correct themselves, and until we are able to go through a transformation.


In that time of slumber, which is also, sometimes referred to being "in the belly of the whale," something must happen.  No girl just awakes one day a woman.  We change while we sleep.  


"Sleeping Beauty's sleep is not nothing, then; not simply repair of the spindle's prick, though that must be accomplished too; certainly not a punishment imposed upon her... In some way that we are only beginning to understand, it is a time for growth.  While she sleeps, her cells network and form new perceptions; her emotions catch up with her body even if her mind doesn't understand either of them. This is a time for transformations, after which- if she wakes up- she'll have the strength to face what overwhelmed her..."


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I am realizing that I have been sleeping; for quite some time, actually.  But it seems that the part of my dream when I realize that I have been dreaming, is the part that always comes just before I wake up.  So, why do i stir now?  Almost four years after the birth of my son, and more than ten since I first drowsed (though I can't absolutely say that I have been sleeping all that time) why do I suddenly realize that I am asleep, and not awake?

'The truth is that we have no idea why we wake when we do.  Call it an inner migration from the Underworld to the upperworld, brought about by some seasonal change in the light.
At any age, if we get a taste of who we are, if we fall in love with life in whatever form we find it and we choose to embrace it, we can fairly call that moment, "The Prince's Kiss." '

Rule #4

I completely stink at getting up early.  Partly this is because I am a closet night owl.  I like the time after dark when I can sit and ruminate over the things that have occurred for the day and try to make some of them make sense.  I like my time alone when the kids are sleeping.

But all of the books on being a good Mother, and being an organized Mom say things like, get up before everyone else.  Well... I've tried.  I'm not very good at it.  It requires me to go to bed early, and then it requires me to tip-toe around our tiny house trying to accomplish tasks (while I'm not very awake) without waking the kids.  I understand their point.  Maybe if our house were larger and I didn't feel so much pressure to be completely silent, it would work better.  As it is, the kid's room is right off the kitchen, which means I can't empty the dishwasher, or start breakfast, or do a load of laundry without making noise.

My Mother has suggested that I lay out clothes and things the night before, so it's all ready to go.  You know what?  This generally works better for me.  I can set out breakfast bowls and spoons and clothes and cereal without waking the kids up.  In the morning I don't feel like I'm rushed and I don't have a long list of junk to do.  I can lay in bed for a few minutes and enjoy the feeling.

Rule #4: Listen to everyone's advice and then do what works best for you.

Every family, house, parent, and child is different and because they are all different and they all interact in different ways, no one can claim to have the perfect answer for everyone.  Someone surely has the answer for you, but even if 90% of the "experts"/busybodies/little old ladies/friends all say the same thing, it still won't work all that well for 10% of us.

It's okay to ignore someone's advice.  There will be times when you are given unsolicited, pushy advice. Listen politely and ignore it.  If you have to push back... well that's another post.  Suffice it to say that some things will work for you, and some things won't.  It's okay to go your own way.

1000 Gifts, post #6

97. Squash
98. Finishing projects
99. Good women friends, even if they are far away.
100. The ability to stay home with my kids.
101. My fabulous bathtub
102. Skype
103. Tums
104. Jasper Fforde (if you haven't read his books and you are a complete book nerd, you need to read them)
105. Having a God who listens when we pray.
106. Baby movements
107. The funny things that Jonah says that completely catch me off guard (Apparently, being hot can give you bad breath).
108. That Caroline can put herself to sleep at night.
109. Having a very handy husband.
110. My job
111. Forgiveness
112. Having a husband who makes me laugh.
113. Falling temperatures.

Wake up Wednesday

There's a blog I follow on a regular basis called I am Momma Heat Me Roar.  I read it the first time because she does some of the neatest crafty things for boys- and if you have boys, you know how hard it is to find really cute, but masculine craft ideas for boys.  Cheri is interesting, creative, and godly.  It's a nice mix.  


Every Wednesday she does a thing called Wake Up Wednesday where she challenges her readers, and herself, to do something small but kind for other people.  You might want to watch the video here to hear a bit more about it.  I usually pay attention to what she is doing, but I rarely try to meet the challenges because I seem to forget.  Life gets busy.  


This morning I woke up before the kids, which is a little unusual, so I had some spare time.  I decided to go ahead and check my email and read through some blogs, and I checked out Cheri's post this week, and her challenge was this:

This week's challenge is to do one thing you've been meaning to do for several months.  I hate it when I have something that keeps getting put off.  It makes me feel so bad when I stop to think about it.  It may be writing a kind note you meant to write a long time ago.  It may be returning something you borrowed a while back even though you feel stupid for still having it.  It may be paying someone back.  It may be something big or small.  I'm going to make a little list and try to check off a couple of those items.  It always feels so good to finally accomplish something you've put off.

And there's this thing that I've been meaning to do.  For months.  And it's gotten a little embarrassing and problematic at times, but I just didn't want to deal with it.  I was afraid of how I would feel, of what it would look like to other people.  I'm sometimes bad about procrastinating and then too much time passes and I feel really dumb.  


The truth is that I feel like someone is going to finally notice that I'm not an adult and I have no business being a mom or being in charge of these kids or being married.  I still feel like that gawky teenager with braces and a serious lack of responsibility.  I know that everyone says that they feel this way, and maybe they do, but there are times when this insecurity eats me alive- like when I've put something off for too long and it becomes awkward to actually correct the mistake.  

I made this shirt with bleach and embroidery floss.  How clever!

But I like Cheri.  I don't know her or anything, but I like her.  I know she probably doesn't live a magical existence, but she makes me feel like I could accomplish something, even if it's just a little something.  I've made shirts for Jonah that were inspired by her blog, and I've felt less alone as a woman who has small children.  


So I did it.  Or, at least, I took the first step toward having the awkwardness over with.  It makes things a little better than they were.  I don't feel so bad.  I don't feel so inept and inadequate.  It wasn't easy, and I imagine that it will be just as awkward when I have to really dig in a deal with it, but it was worthwhile.  It was worth it just so I wouldn't feel so bad about myself and my shortcomings every time I thought about it.  


So I'm sharing Cheri's challenge this week, and maybe next week.  What will you do?

Suggestions are welcome...

I had my 20 week Ultrasound yesterday.  Never mind that I am only 18 weeks today, I was glad to go ahead and get it done.  Josh won't talk about baby names until we know what we're having, and I'm kind of anxious about naming this one.  We chose the names that we loved for a boy and a girl... now what?  Just FYI, name suggestions are welcome.  

The I'm glad that Caroline will have a sister, and a little sad because Jonah seemed to want a brother so much.  I wouldn't have minded having another boy.  I thought I was done after this one, but we have already started talking about, "if we have another one..." and whether it might be a boy.  I did remind Josh that it is the male DNA that determines the sex of the baby. 

So Caroline will have a sister and I will have another girl.  I'm already looking for the perfect fabric to make her bedding and her blankets.  I've been thinking of Russian Nesting Dolls.  I like this one, but $10.00 a yard seems steep.  I also love the fabric used for this, but she's not selling the fabric, just a blanket.  I also had a friend suggest this, which I like as well.  I need to look on spoonflower a bit more.  Since Caroline and Baby X will share a room, eventually, I would like them to have somewhat coordinated fabrics... or at least fabrics that won't clash too badly.  

Fabric suggestions are also welcome.  :)

Having girls has been a source of some anxiety for me.  It seems that there are so many things that girls are subjected to in life, that boys don't have to worry about.  A friend of mine moved to India recently.  She is a little younger than me, but married with a child, and she recently posted on her blog about an incident that was truly frightening.  It's also all the "princess" stuff and the prospect of being the role model she will look to... It's all just a lot.  

My sister recently asked me about a pot I had about raising girls, and if there is one on my blog, I can't find it.  So here is what I think:

Raising children is hard, right now.  I've heard a lot about banning children from public places, and it seems like there is a cultural hostility toward childhood.  While it seems pointed toward both sexes, it seems to be especially pointed toward girls.  We push them toward puberty earlier and earlier.  We push them to wear more mature clothing and push themselves out in front of other people for approval.  It frightens me for them.  Will my girls really get the chance to just be little girls, or will they be need to transition to "tween" at age six???  

There is a book I heard of and have been wanting to read, but I can't remember the name... Maybe something like, "The Princess Factor" but I can't seem to find it.  Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Anyway, it all seems like a lot to worry about when really my daughter seems most interested in baby dolls and putting things in her mouth, and her sister isn't even born yet.  

My sister was looking for stories about strong princesses to read or tell to her girls and I like that idea.  I'm compiling a list, starting with the book "Fearless Girls, Wise Women & Beloved Sisters: Heroines in Folktales from Around the World" by Kathleen Regan.  I have had this book for a long time and have really enjoyed reading the commentary after each story.  It's sometimes hard to figure out why the heroine might be considered a heroine in come of them, but she finds strength in women that is often very hidden.  

Other books: 

Ronia, the Robber's Daughter, By Astrid Lindgren

The Paper Bag Princess By Robert Munsch (I used to tell this story)

The Penderwicks, By Jeanne Birdsall (which I haven't read yet, but have wanted to read for a while, so it may come off the list)

The Princess Academy By Shannon Hale (especially this one)

Other title suggestions would also be welcome.  

:)

Rule #3

It never fails.  Today is one of those days when I could crawl back into bed and go to sleep without a problem.  Not to mention that I'm short tempered because my mind is elsewhere.  There are things I didn't get to finish yesterday that are staring me in the face and I am dreading having to deal with them while also dealing with two small, bored children.

It never fails.  On any day that I feel like this, my children will be equally distemped and irritable.  The bo9y wants to wrestle the girl.  She wants to be held.  We don't have what either of them wants for breakfast.  Lots of whining ensues... some of it from me.

I take them outside because our house is small and they seem to be right on top of one another.  We have an acre and the boy still follows his sister around the yard, trying to tell her what to do and taking things away from her.  I hear him yelling, "Caroline Andrew!  Come here right now!"  and I hear my own voice.  I have no patience today, and neither does he.

Rule #3: Your children will follow your cues.  You set the tone.

Yes, they will have the odd day when they will just be out of sorts, but for the most part, they will mimic what they see and hear from you.  We all know this.  Who among us hasn't heard something come out oft heir mouth and we are instant able to identify the source immediately.  There are some that are especially cringe-worthy.  We hear the exhaustion, impatience, unkindnesses... but we may also hear the love, appreciation and kindness.

When my son is out of control, it upsets me.  He's almost four, which means there are a lot of things that he want to do that he simply can't do.  There are so many things he has no control over.  It is infinitely frustrating to be four.  I have to be cautious that my own frustration, my own lack of control doesn't overwhelm me and spill over into my children.  It's so easy to become that evil stepmother, given over to my own jealousy, anger, and hatred.  Without compassion, there is no ability to temper that whirlwind in my own heart, much less the whirlwind in his.

Ruminating

I have had several posts marinating in my head for a while now and hopefully I'll be able to get them all finished eventually.  There will be more Rules, and a few story related posts... 

However, I've been a bit distracted by life for the last few weeks.  I've been reading (whenever possible) the wonderful Thursday Next Series by Jasper Fforde.  I highly recommend it.  

Also, we've made a few trips in the last three weeks.  We went to Dallas for a little vacation time, and we went to Colorado to visit Josh's parents.  Both were very enjoyable, but tiring.  Travel with small children isn't always a fun experience.  

School starts back in a few weeks and we will all have a different schedule.  Hopefully it won't be 110 degrees anymore.  I am also looking forward to August the 12th, when we get to see if the littlest Watson will be a boy or a girl.  Then the naming frenzy can begin.  

So just for fun- name suggestions?