Day 10

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad


It's funny this is the topic for today because I've been listening to Pandora more frequently over the past few days.  The best way to answer this question would be to describe my main pandora stations.  


First, there is the "High School" station.  This is mainly top 40 music form the three or four years around the time I graduated form High School.  Alanis Morisette, Lisa Loeb, The Cranberries, Sugar Ray (I got all excited when "Fly" came on the other day), Blues Traveler, Jewel, and the Counting Crows... there are others but this is the basis of the station.  This is a nice way to spend my mornings- when I need a little energy to get some things done.  


There's also Jonah's Station with Elizabeth Mitchell, Laurie Berkner, some Beatles, Jason Mraz and the Barenaked Ladies' children's album.  Right now it's playing Elizabeth Mitchell's "So Glad I'm Here."  I save this station for when Jonah is under foot and I'm working on something, and he doesn't need to be watching TV... which is pretty frequent lately.  


I also have a channel for NaNoWriMo... it's called "This is not the House that Pain Built" after a Dar Williams song that (sort of) inspired the story I'm going to be working on.  It's got Dar Williams, KT Tunstall, Kate Wolf (who I'd never heard of before, but she has a great song called "Give Yourself to Love").  I'll be adding to this station a bit over the next month, I presume.  Mostly it's thoughtful, folky music by women.  Hopefully with just enough energy to motivate me.  

Day 9

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days


The truth is that I can't really think of anything that I am really proud of in the last few days... that's why I put off this post.  
What have I done in the past few days?  I've taught class, made dinner, taken care of children.  Nothing very spectacular.  It's hard to find a good reason to feel noteworthy pride in the mundane, daily tasks that cycle about on my to-do list.  


Oh!  Wait, I remembered something! I've been taking my multivitamin every morning this week, and remembering to brush my teeth before bed.  


See?  I can focus on something positive.  

Day 7... & 8

Oops.  Oh, who am I kidding? You knew it would happen eventually.  


Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Josh, Jonah and Caroline (less than an hour old)

Day 7


This is my family- they are my employers and they basically determine how much time I get to spend alone, when and how often I get to exercise.  What I eat, what/whether I get to go to movies, and what I wear.  


Talk about an impact.  


As a side not, I hate the way the word 'impact' is over used, and used improperly.










Day 8


My short term goals are for next month, not this month, since it is almost over.  
Goal #1: NaNoWriMo
Goal #2: Get all Christmas shopping done before December 1st.
Goal #3: Make a Turkey for Thanksgiving.  By myself-ish.      

Day 6

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why


Who is my favorite super hero?  


Don't laugh.  I know she's not a super-hero.  Do you remember that old show "Scarecrow and Mrs. King"?  I think my favorite super-hero is Mrs. King.  In the intro there was this part where she was folding socks, and then later in the show she'd be doing some super spy stuff.  It always made me think that you could be ordinary (like my Mom) and still be extraordinary (like my Mom).    




Yeah, you thought I was going to say Buffy, didn't you?  Well, she can't fold socks.

Day 5

A picture of somewhere I've been to... This is a lake.  Josh and I can't remember the name of it at the moment, but it's not far from Buena Vista, Co.  We took Josh's Dad's jeep up into the mountains and after a really long drive over rocks the size of my head we ended up at the top of this mountain looking out over this beautiful lake.  It was so peaceful and lovely.  There were come campers around, but otherwise you could tell that it wasn't someplace that a lot of people got to see.

Day #4

A habit you didn't wish you had...

Wow, now that's a hard one, because there are a couple of habits I'd like to chuck.  I'm pretty sure that I'm a little addicted to sugar, and I have a tendency to dump my clothing at the end of my bed at the end of the day rather than put it away (I'm looking at it now... guilt!).  I also tend to avoid doing the dishes because I hate to put my hands into the dish water.

So there you have it.  Riveting, I'm sure.

Day 3

So here's a confession... I don't have a recent picture of me and my friends.  I've looked and I've got pictures of me and my family, my in-laws at my brother-in-law's wonderful wedding, my kids, even a praying mantis, but I barely have any pictures of me, much less with friends.

Why?

I don't know.  It's not that I don't have friends, it's just that we don't sit around taking pictures of ourselves, I guess.  We're more likely to be taking pictures of our kids than ourselves.  We're mostly moms.  We're trying to balance all the different aspects of our lives, and chronicling what we look like and who we spent our time with in film (okay, digital pixels or something?) is just not a priority.

But I'm thinking about pictures of myself in general... I don't have a lot.  I had to have Josh take the picture of me that I posted the other day.  Unless I'm at an event (like the wonderful wedding this summer) it's not likely that I'm going to be in any pictures that are taken.  I'm more likely to be behind the camera.

And that's fine with me.  The post-baby weight hasn't come off as easily with #2 as with #1 and some days I feel lucky to get a shower, so I'm not always looking my best.  That's hard to admit- especially for the part of me that is still a high school girl, paranoid that I don't look good enough.

This all hit home last weekend.  We were supposed to have a family portrait made to go in our church directory.  I was hoping it might come out well so that we could have a nice framed portrait of the four of us.  Maybe even something to frame and give our parents.  I managed to get Jonah and Caroline dressed properly and everyone was clean and neat... except me.  I realized after the pictures were taken that I had forgotten to put on make-up before we left the house.  I was trying so hard to make sure that everyone was dressed and pressed that I completely missed that I didn't even put lipstick on, or darken my almost invisible eyelashes.

The result wasn't one that I will be sharing.

I could go into a whole tirade about body image, or even about how I put everyone else's needs first and neglect my own... but the truth is that it's just part of being in this stage of life.  My job (my actual occupation) is to take care of three other people as well as myself, and make-up just isn't the most important thing right now.  The important things are making sure that my kids are healthy, loved, and nurtured.  The important things are making sure my husband has a nice place to come home to and a happy wife, and good kids.  The important things are making sure that I don't waste this short, precious time in our lives by getting hung up on myself, but on doing my job well.  No one is going to fire me from this job, but I'll sure know if I've deserved to be.

The meaning behind the name

Day 2:
today's assignment was to explain the meaning behind my blog's name.  Well... I started this blog while I was in grad school and it was my husband's idea.  I had actually forgotten that until i went back and looked at my first post again.  I intended it to be a way to keep in touch with my family and let them know what I was doing, and to kind of reflect on what I was doing in Grad school.  In my first post I liken myself to a wallflower at the dance.

That's the story... but there's more.  I realized after a couple posts that I had completely stolen the name of my blog from Dr. Joseph Sobol's book, "The Storyteller's Journey" about the process that brings storytellers to the art form.  He interviewed a bunch of storytellers and then found connections to the heroes journey in their stories... it's actually a good book to read if you're wanting to become an artist.

So what does the name mean to me now?  In a lot of ways, it means the same thing it meant then: this is a record of the process of becoming a storyteller.  I was called to an adventure, and maybe I'm spending some time in the belly of the whale right now, but it's all part of a journey.  Even the frustrating parts where I don't actually get to spend much time telling stories to anyone but my children.

Fake it 'till you make it.

I stole this from someone else's blog, who stole it from someone else's blog... really it just seems like a good way to keep me warmed up for NaNoWriMo...

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?


Day 1: 

1.  I am an adjunct professor and I like it.  
2.  My son finds my moles to be comforting.  This is something I will tease him about when he gets old enough to be embarrassed.
3.  I occasionally speak at Ladies Days at churches, and I wish I got to do it more.
4.  I am a terrible housekeeper- not nasty, but I despair of ever having a truly clean house.  
5.  I don't really want a smart phone... but I wouldn't mind having a Kindle.
6.  I have three sisters.  One of them is my twin.  
7.  I am apparently addicted to sugar.  
8.  I am, in no way at all athletic, but I love to run. 
9.  I've had two babies, and two completely natural births... not even an IV.
10.  I hate needles (that's why there was no IV).
11.  I'm too chicken to have a home birth.
12.  No, I'm not done having kids, even though we have a boy and a girl.  
13.  I don't chew gum.  I think it makes me look dumb, and I have TMJ, so it becomes painful after a few minutes.  
14.  Don't tell my husband, but I would secretly like a little dog that I could carry around in a bag.  Not till my kids are older, though.  I clean up enough poo as it is.  
15.  In theory, I love gardening, but in reality, I love that my husband does most of the work.  Don't tell him I said that either.  

NaNoWriMo

NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month.  For the past 3 years I've been thinking that I should do this.  How hard could it really be to put down 4.5 pages of stuff every day?

And then I think about it and I realize that I haven't written that prolifically since... high school?  I guess that's how hard it is.

But, in the spirit of just doing what I need to do... I'm just gonna do it.  On the bright side I've read all sorts of articles about how to do this and basically they all agree: you just have to make yourself do it, and don't worry if what you are putting out is just plain drivel.  I don't think they have to worry too much about that drivel part.

So this doesn't start until November 1st.  Usually I start things and then after a few days I get too busy and they sputter out, but now I have to wait.  So what does one do while waiting?  Apparently most people work on their outlines and make detailed files with information about their characters, plots, locations and any other pertinent topics they might need to know about.  So that's what I've started doing.  I've had a story in the back of my mind for years now, and I've started it several times, but it never felt right and it never went anywhere.  Last night I was working on a very broad outline and it suddenly occurred to me that I knew how the story ended... I could do this.

What else am I doing?  Well, for one I'm downloading a free trial sample of Inspiration software.  Inspiration is for people who think visually (like me) to put information out there in a visual way.  The plan is to put all of my outline information into a visual medium.  I'll share some of that here later.

Anyone out there interested in trying this with me?  Let me know.  Even if you don't want to try it, please feel free to harass me so I have some motivation for days (kinda like today) when having 5 minutes of peace seems impossible.

"What kills you, Mom?"

Telling at the International Storytelling Center
in Jonesborough, TN in July, 2004.

Today was one of those days when it seems like I just couldn't get done the things that I really wanted to get done.  I almost typed, "...one of those days where you don't get anything done."  but that isn't true.  I went to the Farmer's Market (terrible turn-out today... I need to look up the closing week.  It makes me sad.) and bought honey and okra.  I went to the store and bought a rug, drawer liner, new oven mitt (no egg poacher... what's up with that?) for the kitchen.  I cleaned out my kitchen drawers and put in the new liners (yellow- so happy!) and mopped the kitchen floor. 

Then I spent forever trying to put in a bling hem on my new pants with my sewing machine.  I did one leg and then I had to pick it out and start over.  So I gave up and decided to fix the hem on a shirt that I really like, only to discover that there wasn't anything wrong with the hem- there was a flaw in the fabric and it was a rip that couldn't be fixed.  I ended up using the shirt to make a pair of black tights for Sweet Caroline, but she fell asleep before I could try them on her.  I have another shirt I'd like to make tights out of, but I want to make sure the fit is right, first.  I made dinner, and did dishes and did some water colors with Jonah (his first time) and played with Sweet Caroline.  


And yet I am feeling frustrated this evening.  I am trying to pinpoint why I feel this way and the only thing I can come up with is that my time was being constantly hijacked by some little requests for juice, or for a light to be turned on, or to be fed or picked up, or dinner made.  I don't begrudge my family my time- but, do they get all of it?  


I was browsing the interwebs the other night and came upon a great preview for a film that I would love to see.  It's called Who Does She Think She Is.  It's about mothers who are also artists and the barriers that they run up against in trying to be successful in their artistic pursuits.  


Do you know what I really wanted to do today?  Sit and read through a few folktales that I have been wanting to learn.  I wanted to sit and learn how to make a blind hem without the constant interruptions.  I wanted to take the brush from my son's hand and do my own watercolors.  


It is any wonder that my temper was short at the end of the day?  Caroline was asleep and I was trying to finish up her tights.  I was talking to Josh and I said, "It just kills me that I can't seem to get anything done today."  And there was Jonah, his little ears always on alert.  He asked me, "What kills you Mom?"


Does it kill me?  Is part of me just going to shrivel up if I stop trying to pursue the creative side of myself?


Maybe.


I had a conversation on facebook with some friends about the animosity that some women are subjected to because they choose to try to pursue their art and Amy, who I went to college with answered. 


 "Animosity comes from the assumption that pursuing a career while being a mom is some kind of denial of God-given role, desiring to compete with man for economic power. What people don't realize is that mothers who are artists are driven by a deep desire to actually do exactly what the naysayers are expecting her to do: fulfill a deep-seeded role, God-given role. Everything in the mother-artist cries out to share her God-given gifts, especially with her children. To go through life not allowing her children to be be nourished by such an important gift feels like she's not living up to her potential, and thus cheapening their childhood. It has little to do with self-fulfillment; it has everything to do with feeding the creative soul of the next generation.  The problem lies in the voices of the naysayers, stuck in the back of our minds, wondering 'Are they right? Am I selfish? Am I kidding myself that I have a gift?'


When I start feeling like that [resentful], I realize it comes from  comparing myself, even subconsciously to other womens' seemingly perfect routines and family life. But every family dynamic is so different - and I have to do what is best for MY family. I can't make the same choices other women make for their families and expect them to work for MINE.  If I really look at where the resentment is coming from, I realize I'm not resenting my children, but the supposed little box I'm feel like I'm supposed to be directing my family into in order to have that ideal homelife. For the sake of my family, I long to be true to who God made me to be, and to glorify Him through it all - "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..." 
But so often I feel like I'm working for "men" (man's ideals of womanhood) rather than who God really truly blessed me to be. 

I've been re-reading the Little House books - Farmer Boy stands out to me because of Mrs. Wilder and her butter business. She was just so crafty and independent about it, without putting on any airs. It was something she was good at, she was regarded for it, it served her community and her family. No big deal. Why can't we see art as useful a commodity as butter?


And we all know those women who HAVE sacrificed their families in vain pursuit - and we all grew up knowing we never, ever EVER wanted to be anything like that. It's scary to tread in these waters that, to those who don't understand, look so much like those of vain pursuits of self-glory we find abominable. The easier road is to just not try."


And she's right.  It's easier to stop trying, to just feel resentful but ignore it.  Instead I find myself with a very difficult challenge- to find new ways to make time for creative pursuits while still caring for two small children.  The challenge is enough to terrify and exhaust me before I even get started, and yet the idea of simply giving up is equally unappealing.  


Maybe I don't have 40 hours in a week that I can sit and read through folktales to learn new stories, but I can be very careful to pick out good books for my kids at the library to get ideas for stories I may want to tell.  I can go to bed early and get up before everyone else so I have time to do my morning pages.  I can take full advantage of the quiet during nap time (which currently coincides for both of my children, for at least an hour) and plot out stories, or learn new sewing skills.  


I think I can do this.