Be Silent! Now, Speak up!

Recently I had the extreme pleasure of being able to speak to a group of women in Winfield Kansas at their ladies brunch. I didn't say anything about it on here beforehand... or really to anyone before hand, mostly because I have such a hard time with nerves. The timing was difficult. We had decided to paint the kitchen the weekend before, and then we had house guests and it seemed like I wasn't going to get to sit and really prepare myself for the little bit I needed to in the days just before. And I didn't.

My topic was the Tongue. It gets us in a lot of trouble, and yet, there are times when we are terrified of our own ability to speak up. I had made a lot of notes about bible verses and ideas that I had, I even had a rough outline but never really got the opportunity to sit and organize my thoughts.... and I'm glad I didn't. I think that might be why I get myself so worried.

I have never been more relaxed and comfortable getting up in front of a group of women in my life. Maybe it was because I know Nancy Wheat, and she is the kindest, most encouraging person on the planet, or because my mother was there, or because I knew what I wanted to say and hadn't over-thought it. Whatever the reasoning, I got up and said what I wanted to say, and didn't stumble or feel nervous. It was amazing.

As I said, my topic was The Tongue, and in my notes I had jotted down a quick reference to an essay I'd read by Ray Bradbury. The essay was entitled, "Run Fast, Stand Still". The title references those lizards you see on the Discovery channel that get up and run like crazy on their hind legs and then stop and stand perfectly still. I realized that we have a strange, love-hate relationship with our tongues. We know we open our mouths too often and say things we should never say, in ways we should never say them, and often we seem ambivalent about this, but the truth is that we are also often reluctant to speak out when the truth needs to be spoken. It's so easy to throw off a hurtful comment but so difficult to say things like, "I'm sorry." or "You need to change." or "That's not what I believe, and let me tell you why..."

Another step in the journey. Hopefully one that might pick up pace sometime soon.

There's so much going on in life, right now, that I feel almost at a loss for anything to say. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I have nothing to say, it's just that I seem to be without the time to process it all into something coherent.

Since I found out that I'm pregnant I've had varying emotions. Complete terror at the thought of having TWO to deal with on a daily basis. Joy, knowing it's a girl... fear knowing it's a girl. Physical discomfort, seemingly more than last time (am I imagining this?) and emotional peace with what I'm going through. And on top of all that I've added a second part-time job. How mixed up am I that I teach preschool two days a week and a college class the other three?

What's the result? I'm paring off the excess parts of my life, honestly. If I don't have to and I don't need to do something or be somewhere, I say no. That's a hard one. I've never been good at saying no to other people, but here I am NOT teaching sunday school, NOT going out when I can stay home and spend time getting caught up on my house, and spending time with my little Monkey, or with Josh. I'm NOT doing a lot of things and I don't feel bad about it, or feel like I'm missing anything. I won't apologize for prioritizing myself right now.

The truth is that as crazy as life is right now, I know it will only get crazier when Caroline comes along in a few months. I'll be adjusting to her schedule, and adjusting Jonah to her in general, and trying to balance time between them, and still find time for me to be a wife, housekeeper and... Chara. I think I know why there aren't a lot of storytellers who are young mothers.

And yet, I feel like I have a lot of stories floating in my head, trying to find a hold, and a place so they can come out. I feel like I am floating around, trying to find a hold, and a place so I can come out. As much as I am prioritizing myself, I still seem unable to find the time to outlet who I am. Maybe that is manifest, most by my lack of posting on this blog, or by the excessive number of hot baths I've been taking in the evenings (so much so that my skin has been really dry lately, and the bathroom door has been swelling).

I am speaking in Winfield Kansas on Saturday, and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the tongue... controlling it instead of letting it control you, knowing when to speak up and how to speak up. I feel like I've been silent for a while now, and it is time that I let my voice out again.