Who am I without my Granny?

I realize that the question above seems sort of rediculous. I am the same person without my Granny as I am with her- she may have shaped me, but I do not need her to hold my shape for me. Therefore, it is really only important that she lived, not that she now ceased to be alive.

However, I would like to propose to you that it is not a rediculous question.

It ocurred to me, while I was still in Oklahoma, that if my Granny hadn't been who she was, there is no way that I would be who I am. I would not love hummingbirds, or wind chimes. I would not have such a deep and abiding faith. I would not have had a home.

I had thought that I would get the opportunity to introduce my Granny to my children. I had though that I would have a small opportunity to show them what it was like to be her grandaughter. However, that's where it comes down to being rediculous. I am still her grandaughter. So what is it that is causing my identity crisis?

I think it goes back to the final sentence in the third paragraph. I would not have had a home. When I was growing up we moved about every 5 years. It was rough, even if you were ready to leave a place. It was horrible being someplace where you had no friends, knew no one, no one knew you and you got to reinvent yourself every few years. I think, in some ways, it led to an instability in my personality that makes me avoid attachments (looking back at the last post now and trying to figure a way to make that sound advantageous... giving up).

But every Christmas we made the same journey to the same place and were with the same people who knew us and loved us and were interested in who we were becoming. If i wanted to just sit in silence in their presence, there was nothing awkward in that.

So if that is completely gone now, what is the defining stability of my life?

I am married. I have Christmas with my parents, or go to Colorado to see Josh's parents. I have a job and I practice an art. So why do I feel like the defining stability of my life has disappeared? And why didn't I experience this when Papa died?

After a long conversation with my cousin Audrey I can articulate it much better. It's too intangible a loss to articulate by saying that I am grieving the loss of my Granny- because I am, but not as much as I am grieving that I can never have the things that she offered me ever again. The only way to really make those tangible enough to express with any clarity to to try to explain what it was like to be at her house. The laundryroom filled with dessert every christmas. The breakfasts watching birds and eating venison sausage. The library, The creek, the mimosa tree we all climbed, the horses, the jujubees, Papa's chair, the swing that hung on the tree way in the back of the yard, the tractor.

These things still exist (most of them- I know that tree with the swing and Papa's chair were both casualties of the tornado almost two years ago) but they do not belong to me anymore. That is what makes me so sad.

The last time I saw my Papa was at my wedding. When we were taking pictures he reached over behind me and took my hand. He died about 10 months later and I didn't see him again. We cling to the tangible things- the evidence of who loved us and who we are.

Personal Myths

I've been reading a lot of Keri Smith's website lately (see the link to the right side of the page- Keri Smith- Creativity Goddess) and I found this page today. Please read it because sometimes, when I get excited about things, I don't explain them well.

Basically Keri Smith is asking you all to re-story (a term I used in my Narritive Therapy course in Grad School) the things that you have been telling yourself all your life. I thought it might be and interesting activity (particularly since, lately, my husband and I have been discussing some stories I have been telling myself for a long time) for me to try.

However, before i do- I would like to ask you all (of the anonymous multitude who read this blog) to think about posting some of your own in the comments after you read this. No- I do not want to be the only fool discussing my self-doubts.

My list:
-hates talking on the phone to people
-doesn't follow through on new projects
-antisocial
-impatient
-procrastinates

My new List:
-hates talking on the phone to people- I dislike mechanized communication because it is impersonal and it is too easy to be distracted when not looking someone in the eye.
-doesn't follow through on new projects- I have so many interests that I tend to be distracted after a short while.
-antisocial- I prefer to have a few close friends, rather than being a part of a large, racous crowd.
-impatient- is primed for good suspense stories. This is why I really like suspenseful movies, and adds to my appreciation of good storytelling in many arts
-procrastinates- is very thorough and careful particularly when embarking on new projects. Is very forward-thinking.
-settles too easily/unambitious- My ambitions lie in areas that most people would not consider worthy of a large amount of focus.


Okay- so some of this may just be a good way for me to justify my bad habits, but I think that it's interesting to try and look at yourself from a more forgiving, and just a generally different point of view.

See you later...

So I'm back from Oklahoma City. It was a longer trip than I had hoped it would be. A hard one.

I have never been good at goodbyes- I cry or I avoid them altogether. Leaving Oklahoma has always been really hard, mostly because we have so much family there and because it was the consistent place that we went when everything else might change from year to year. Most people don't think the idea of yellow, stubby grass and a flat landscape are really all that attractive. It makes me homesick.

Last Sunday I said goodbye to my Granny. I said the thank-you's that I had always left unspoken before. And I said I'd see her later. I will.

This summer has been extremely stressful. Something I always thought I would love with pure abandonment became the bain of my existence, and I discovered that I need to be around people more than I thought I did. But- my husband and I have found a good way to talk and I've learned a lot about who I want to be (I'm a long way from being that person, but... babysteps)... And now, saying goodbye to my childhood home.

So the urge to make my own home as solid as possible has become so strong that it chokes me up when I think about it. I don't like to drift.

There is always an up after a down, but you have to climb a steep hill to get there.

gone a while

I'm headed out of town for a few days- a sad and sudden trip to Oklahoma. My Granny isn't doing well at all. Over last weekend she developed pneumonia and her lungs are deteriorating. Please keep her in your prayers.

Magical Secrets

I finally fixed my blog format and I had to put new links on the links list, so I decided to add something new. I've added links to websites and blogs about and encouraging creativity. One of the websites I've found recently is based on a book called "The Magical Secrets of thinking Creatively." by kathan Brown. While I don't do etchings, I've found that the principals discussed in the book apply to all artistic endeavors and I thought I would put a couple of them up here with a few thoughts of my own...Here are Kathan Brown's suggestions:

Tips about Thinking Creatively in Everyday Life

Tip #5: Don’t Know What You Want. Don’t set goals. Just start working and get fully involved in what you are doing. If you get stuck, think about how many possibilities there are within the framework you’ve chosen. What can you use that’s at hand? it's always an amazing thing to me when i can get the opportunity to stand up in front of an audience and just tell a story that has been simmering in my mind... You sort of knw what you are doing, but you don't always realize the most important thing until it comes out of your mouth.

Tip #8: Use Every Tool. If a computer is your primary tool for what you do, try adding work done with tools you can hold in your hands. A trip to the art supply store may be just what you need to get your mind unstuck. On the other hand, if you’re not using computers for your art, you might consider that possibility. Old tools are deeply satisfying and should not be completely abandoned, but change is good. I've started using all sorts of things to organize my mind around a story. For instance, there's a computer program called Inspiration that you use to make visual oranizers of things. I've been outlining the story and then making a visual organizer to help me remember it and to help me think through aspects that may not be as filled out as others... Also, I color.

Tip #13: Own It. This Magical Secret will come to you automatically after you have mastered the other twelve. You cannot try to achieve it, but it will come. At some point you will know for sure, deep down, that you are doing your work, the work you should be doing. And at that point, the work is almost certain to be good. I'm still working ont his one. There are times when I am telling that the story truly belongs to me, and the audience's acceptance of the story is the deepest gift I have ever known.

Well, that's all I've got for now... I'm willing to post any other websites or blogs that might have creativity prompts, if you've got 'em.

David Hasslehoff

Oh yes- the Night Rider is still in his car. Check him out!

recent books

I've been reading a stack of books I picked up when i was in Pittsburgh. Holly, Rishi and I took off on monday and went to JoAnn's and a used bookstore that we had seen when we took our trip to Office Max. THe bookstore did not disappoint. I bought 5 books for less than $10. All of them were hardcovers.

Paradise by Toni Morrison is the first one I read. I really enjoyed it- unlike Beloved because I felt like I could really cherish the women in this book. What I loved most about this book was how the women found their own way through the things that haunted them. They lived alone in that big house and healed themselves. It was very interesting.




I also read two books by Barbara Kingsolver: Prodigal Summer and Pigs in Heaven. I really love Barbara Kingsolver and Josh and I were lucky enough to get to hear her read from her new book (that should be coming out soon) sometime last year. I had only read a few of her other books before I read either of these and I really enjoy how well she pulls together the ideas at the endof the book. She doesn't preach, but she lets you know what she thinks.

I recommend all three of these books.

Chara

Red Threads

My bathroom rug was a wedding gift that i am thinking I may need to replace soon. We did not register for it, but the lady who gave it to us saw it and it matched the shower curtain she had bought us. She said that even though we didn't register for it, she thought we would like it. And I do. It is blue plaid, with two shades of blue and white. However, it has given me much to comtemplate (brushing my teeth, bathing, doing my hair) while in the bathroom. There is a single red thread that hangs out with the fringe.

I wonder...Is it like one of those threads you see on your sleeve that you pull and when you do the entire hem on your sleeve comes undone? Was it a secret joke someone in the factory has played on us? Do they lie in bed at night smiling about the confused people somewhere in the world who have a blue plaid rug with a single red thread?

Dan Yashinsky did a workshop at NSN's National conference- the only workshop i got to go to- called something like "Suspense: the red thread of storytelling." I have been thinking more of my bathroom rug since I got back from Pittsburgh.

There is something supremely artful about the one lingering question that pulls the story togehter (or apart- like my sleeve). Dan's workshop was really more of one big question: how do we keep suspense in our stories? Without suspense there is no reason to continue listening. It's like the preview I saw at the movies- I have no desire to see it now because I know all about what is going to happen in the next Russel Crowe film- they showed me the basic story in the preview. So do I go, just to see Russel Crowe without a shirt? I can get thrills like that at home.

Instead- I look for something that has revelation. Something that lights up my eyes and makes me say, "oh!"

In my quest as a storyteller (in case you forgot, I'm still on a journey, here!) I am looking for the source of the thread. I want to be able to spin my own.

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This evening i saw a movie that made my eyes light up and I say "oh!'
It's called "The Lady in the Water." I am pretty sure it won't be a million-dollar-movie, but it will be like my bathroom rug: something I contemplate for a long time.

How has this young man come to grasp the secret principals of a fairy tale (of the very life force of story!) so deeply that he was able to weave one of his own- complete with a red thread that I know he spun himself? I am envious and inspired and awed. Is it really such a stretch that people, today could hunger that way, to believe that magic could exist int he world? I won't give it away- like all of M. Night Shaymalan's movies, it is a work of art, from his camera angles to the subtl humor in the dialogue, to the pure wonder that it invokes. Not everyone will like it. Not everyone has survived trying to read Joseph Cambell and sought to apply those ambiguously articulated principals to the art that runs a deep stream somewhere beneath the skin of her soul.

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One last thought. Months ago I talked about starting The Artists Way again- with the actual attempt to get somewhere past the first 60 pages. My inner artist is suffocating under grant administration and concert production details and... life. I basically failed at the attempt to start then, but I feel like I really will suffocate if I am not able to nurture that aspect of myself soon. I've started keeping my journal again. That helps because it is so creative and so personal. There is a lot of introspection there. If anyone knows of any good websites or blogs on keeping a journal or with a lot of writing prompts, please share!

Chara